Dealing with Chaos, Survival, and Love

By Sandy Hibbard

It’s easy to get lost in the chaos of our days. Frustration, procrastination, overbooked schedules, not enough money — the things we must deal with are endless. Each day presents its own set of challenges, and sometimes it feels like we’re barely keeping our heads above water. This morning was no exception for me.

As I juggled my work schedule around a doctor’s appointment, stole a moment to watch Paw Patrol with my grandson, and prepared for a business trip to New York, the anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. The last thing I wanted to do was drive to yet another doctor’s appointment, again to the dermatologist to have another damn mole removed. It all weighed heavy on my mind as I said goodbye to my family, but then my daughter’s words stopped me in my tracks: “Would you rather be dead? Would you rather be going to chemo?”

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Would I rather be dead? The answer, of course, was no. Chemo? Hell no! Despite the inconvenience, despite the fear of another procedure, I knew that facing these challenges was a privilege denied to many. It was a reminder to embrace life, even in its most chaotic and scary moments.

I guess you could say I’ve been on a journey of survival. Over the past 19 months, I’ve faced melanoma head-on. I have had around 13-14 moles surgically removed (I feel like a patchwork quilt!), two melanomas “dug out” along with lymph nodes, CAT scans and MRI’s — each procedure a stark reminder of the fragility of life. It’s a journey that has tested me in ways I never imagined, but it’s also a journey that has taught me the true value of my family and every moment that we draw breath.

Recently, I listened to an episode of the podcast Hidden Brain titled “Ventilator.” It explored our attitudes towards life and death, highlighting how we often talk big about not wanting to be on life-support when we are healthy and planning for the end of life, but when we are actually faced with the choice between life and death, we choose life without hesitation. It’s a powerful reminder of our innate will to survive, even in the face of overwhelming odds. It has helped me understand the UNDERSTATED will to live that my dad had when he was going through cancer, and that my mom has who is suffering from crippling scoliosis and dementia. No matter how old you are, you want to live!

Reflecting on my own journey, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of gratitude for the gift of life. Each day is a precious opportunity to embrace all that it has to offer — the highs, the lows, and everything in between. The things we want to do and the things we loathe to do. It’s a reminder to accept each  moment we have, to cherish the ones we love, and to never take another day for granted.

So, what is your heart feeling? What is your soul going through? In the midst of life’s chaos, take a moment to pause and reflect. What pisses you off, turns you on, gives you strength? And what’s up with love? For me, love is the driving force behind it all. It’s what gives me the strength to face each day with courage and resilience. It’s what reminds me that no matter how dark the storm may seem, there is always a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

This life — in all its messy, beautiful glory, is definitely worth embracing. Let’s seize each moment with gusto, knowing that we have the power to shape our own destinies. Let’s choose life, not just today, but every day. After all, would you rather be dead? I think not.

Life is not to be grasped violently

Or held onto desperately

But rather to be allowed to flow through your fingers

Like the delicate line of a fly-fishing rod

Artfully cast into the stream

Skillfully plotted

With a watchful eye

And tenderly guided with a firm grip

© Sandy Hibbard 2017

Ahhh the seasons – the cold ends, Spring bounces in and Summer hits us quick and hard.  Every season brings new sounds, new colors, and new winds blow in change, delight,  and challenge!  I love the seasons, but I hate the winds!  The winds of life have brought me through many seasons – times of new challenges, pain and death, opportunities to learn tolerance, accept loss, and experience growth. love and beauty – all I have to say is that when the winds of change come, it is hard – sometimes hell on earth!  But I found a secret.  Just keep yourself and your head, focus, and you will come out alright.  Sounds easy, huh?

After a terrible divorce years ago, I decided that I was NOT going to give up but instead was going to fight my way through the circumstances.  I wanted to die, I wanted to kill.  BUT… I didn’t!  I chose to forgive and stay steady, do the right thing and focus on what mattered.  To be present.  What mattered most was my children.  So, I focused on them.  I wasn’t going to let circumstances dictate how our lives were going to wind up!  I was going to bravely march forward with my own damn banner and establish my territory!

I think our “springs” (really any of the seasons we go through) are demanding that of us, that we forge our way to bring new life and new growth.  To focus on being there in the moment (an incredible act of love). It isn’t easy.  Most of our life depends on what we make up our mind to do.  We don’t have to “go along”.  And when I say “do the right thing”, I don’t mean follow the status quo – who says that is the right thing?  That is for YOU to decide for your life.

In the face of challenges or trouble, my grandmother would say “it won’t matter in a 100 years”.  I have used her words many times to help me decide if something was worth the fight.  And you know what I discovered?  What will always matter in 5, 10, 100 or a 1000 years is LOVE – how we give it and how we receive it – and RELATIONSHIP – how we embrace other human beings and the mark we leave on other’s hearts.  Love transcends everything, it is what produces the flower after a harsh winter.

Back in the day, in bitter battle, I chose love.  It kept me from dying.  In this season, let the new life you see popping up remind you of the opportunities you have to make beauty out of your circumstances – bravely march forward!

Love and Peace!
Sandy

Embracing ourselves and our talents as they are, AND our limitations as they are, is the place where freedom begins.
~ Sandy Hibbard

The most difficult thing [to some] is accepting yourself – right where you are. I think as an artist/creative we’re always worried about how other people are going to perceive the scope of our work. Battling and dealing with how things are going to come across to others is a struggle, yes, but not just because we care about what they think about us, I think it’s more about the worry of how they will accept our talent and gifts. To make things worse, we deal with our own struggle for perfection and wrestle with our inadequacies.

As humans, we are always changing and growing, evolving, learning, and unlearning. One set of skills increase then decrease as we develop excellence in another area.  This is life – we ebb and flow. We grow into our best by building upon layers of experience. You have to accept who you are TODAY, with what you have been given and learned so far. Embracing your gift as it is in the present is an important part of our journey… that’s awareness!

Accepting Yourself for Who and What You Are
As a writer and artist, if I wrote a poem out of inspiration today and then rewrote it next year, can you imagine how different it would be?  If I record a song today and go into the studio and re-record it 2 years from now, they would be completely different songs. At some point, you just have to say ‘enough’ and accept your art, your gift, AND YOURSELF as you are in this moment. You have created the art that speaks to you now and from your current level of experience. That has immense value. You have shared what is from your moment in time along your journey, what could be more pure and beautiful than that? Being ‘OK’ with ourselves and our talents as they are, AND our limitations as they are, is the place where freedom and growth begins.

When you embrace yourself and your gifts as they are, without judgement, it will be a relief. You can relax and settle into who you are, accepting the opportunity and the room it gives you to expand on so many levels – and there will be nothing to hold back the growth. There is a beautiful confidence and ability that comes with acceptance, an honesty and awareness that is attractive and inspiring.  Sure, you can always do better, but how wonderful it is when you put yourself out there, let go of the judgment and criticism and can say ‘this is real now, this is who I am’ – with no shame and no apologies. BOOM! You just let go of the chains that were holding you down!

Love and Hugs,
Sandy

Hemingway loved them. I have always been repulsed by them. That is until an insistent friend, Philou and his beautiful wife Dominique, properly introduced me in Paris. They took me to a cafe in the St. Germaine area that served the “best oysters in Paris”, they urged me to try them. I thought, “OK I am in Paris, why not?” After holding that ice-cold oyster doused in lemon juice up to my lips and sucking it down, I was hooked. Now I understand the feeling Hemingway was talking about. The sheer joy of daring something new, or partaking in what you love, truly does bring happiness.
Then my dear Melissa introduced me to a little bar in Brooklyn that had an oyster happy-hour. When she invited me, I thought “no way, I can only eat them in Paris”, but I discovered The Colonie’s offering of fresh oysters were as delicious as the ones I had in France. (Unknown to me that Brooklyn has quite a history for being THE place for fresh oysters.) Served by the dozen, these delicious little treats packed a cold zing when topped with their unique vinegar/garlic sauce. Add a bottle of Miraval Rosé Côtes de Provence with your dozen or so, and voila!
There was nothing better than being in the moment with my niece, following her lead, letting her introduce me to something SHE loved. Beautiful. I suppose you could say the same thing about a scoop of gelato or a perfectly grilled juicy piece of steak. However, in my case, there was something exciting about learning to eat oysters (something I had avoided my entire adult life)  and not being afraid of the texture and the taste. It made me feel a little fearless (thank you Hemingway), which did fill me up and make me happy!
 

 
I am talking about taking chances, living outside your current routine, not being so judgmental, opening up to new things, not always having to get your way, and above all, being present in the moment. When we are aware and stretch ourselves to reach beyond our fears, it promises to bring us to a new level of patience, understanding, and satisfaction. But not only that, it also expands our horizons to confidently see what we are made of and what our limitations are. When we boldly go outside our comfort level and beyond our preconceived opinions and experiences, the whole world becomes our oyster! That in and of itself is very satiating.
I am about to embark on a new adventure in my personal life. It’s scary. The task seems daunting and the emotions I am dealing with are pushing all kinds of buttons. Being uncomfortable and choosing to embrace the unknown is requiring me to cowboy up, focus, stand tall and take many deep breaths so I can leap past my insecurities toward unlimited possibilities.
After living in Plano Texas for 23 years, I have decided to pull up stakes and begin a new chapter in my life. I am very grateful that my business is a virtual model, so I can work from anywhere. I am single with no young children, and able to go and explore anywhere I want. The sky is the limit! Yet, it is taking everything within me to make this decision. I believe, I doubt. I trust, I don’t trust. I am confident, I am scared. Nevertheless, deep in my heart I am settled and focused and expecting that life will meet me and the Universe will guide my heart along the way.
Leaving my little nest is a lot more serious than popping salty, cold oysters. I mean wow!  But when I read Hemingway’s quote from A Moveable Feast, it became real to me in my current situation. I connected with him and could imagine him sitting on his beloved fishing boat eating oysters. Even with all of his problems, in a simple act of being present he found solace, he felt the emptiness leave and happiness return. Perhaps it wasn’t just the salty cold essence of the sea that had this effect on him, but also the joy of experiencing something he truly loved.
More to come on this journey…
Love and hugs,

I am sitting in my car at a stop sign at a shopping center in front of Williams Sonoma, and I am observing this adorable little old gal – I’m guessing 70-ish or older.  She’s dressed to the nines on this cold and windy fall day, donning a hat, gloves, her Sunday shoes, and a warm woolen coat and colorful scarf.  Below her coat you can see her brightly colored dress with a yellow background and big purple flowers dotted with green foliage and blue and fuchsia smaller flowers.  Her look is perfected with her 1940’s sunglasses and those thick pasty skin colored tights we remember our grandmother’s wearing –  oh, and the huge handbag across her arm, I’m wondering if it is helping or hindering her balance.  She is slowly making her way across the intersection, walking with the help of her walker.  Judging from the stern look on her face, she is completely focused on the task at hand. However, I think she might be unaware that she is holding up traffic – about 5 cars deep at this point – no, no, I reconsider, I think she totally knows, she just doesn’t really care!

In my inpatient mind I quickly think “oh brother, lady, hurry and get across”, and then I stop myself and say “Oh my God!, no. This precious gal is doing the best she can.  She knows she is slow, she knows it will take her longer to get from point A to point B, she understands there are younger, more inpatient people around her, and she is aware of the traffic,  but hell, she doesn’t care!  This lady was bold and brave enough to get out and take on a busy Sunday shopping center, do you think it matters to her that we are waiting all warm and cozy in our cars for her to cross?  Dear Sandy, you can only hope that you will be so brave when you are her age!”  She inspired me.  In that moment I thought “I want to be as confident and focused as her… I want her chutzpah!”

So of course I waited patiently while this princess crossed the intersection successfully, reminding me of the small joys of life and the beauty of our elderly citizens. Hummmm… being bold and brave and not caring what other people think.  I’m thinking if you can’t learn that by the time you grow up, you have totally missed the boat.

Kudos to that little lady who made my day and reminded me of how important it is to live out loud and to live NOW.  My heart is deeply warmed by our friends and loved ones who know without question that they look different, they’re slower, sometimes not as agile, they can’t see as well or hear as good as they used to, but still they possess an energy and joie de vivre that tells their story in living color.  Let us learn from them not to let the changes we experience in our lives (yes, and in our bodies) keep us from enjoying the gift of life we have been given. That is my take away from this moment.

Wishes for peace and love in this world… I hope you all have a beautiful evening and a wonderful week!
XOOXX
Sandy

Featured Photo Credit: MO Log: A Comic’s Journey –  Check out his adorable blog post “Mo Stops Traffic“