Dear Friends,

As many of you know, I recently lost my mother in June, and we laid her to rest on my birthday. It was an honor to share that day with her, but it was hard. I struggled to find solace in it. I finally worked out the understanding that saying “goodbye” to her on the day of my birth was and always will be a poignant reminder of the bond we shared. And I will need it, because getting through her loss will take a lifetime.

Losing a parent is a surreal experience that touches the deepest parts of our hearts. In our grief, it is as if we are compelled to do one of two things: either to sift through memories, or to move on as quickly as we can so not to give them another moment of our time! I chose the former, and as I peruse through the many memories of my mother, I am not only cherishing her legacy but also uncovering the layers of my own history. (Thank you mom for documenting so many moments of our life so unselfishly.)

Mourning our dear loved one is, to me at least, a therapeutic process. Revisiting moments from my past forces me to face my own narrative, my own story intertwined with hers. Each memory, whether it brings a smile or a tear, presents a chapter of my life that shapes who I am. Seeing that in my mind’s eye, in a way brings me comfort. It reassures me of the love I was given and the challenges I so bravely overcame. It reminds me too, of the pain and the struggles that my mom went through, and how high she set the bar for courage, strength, and love.

In these moments, I see clearly the significant role my mother played in molding me. I realize that now I have become the anchor in my own life. The absence of my mother brings a shift within me, an undeniable change that marks a new stage of adulthood. It’s a moment where I truly “grow up,” as the safety net I always had is no longer there. I find myself stepping into a new role, bearing the weight of my own existence and that of our family’s legacy.

No matter how good a daughter I was, there’s a lingering sense of regret. I feel that I didn’t appreciate her enough, didn’t spend enough time with her, and didn’t have the necessary conversations that could have bridged any gaps in our relationship. I wish I had known her better. Mother was so selfless, and always a giver and doing for others, if there was a selfish side I didn’t see it. I wish I had known more about her growing up, her feelings about being a preacher’s wife and living in a glass house. Her secret desires and wishes… It was only in the later years that I started asking her about more personal things. As long as she could, she would tell me a story. I wish I had made time for more of those conversations. These feelings of regret are natural, and it’s important to acknowledge them without letting them overshadow the love and connection we shared.

Putting all the pieces together after the death of my mom is a process that demands courage and openness. It takes time to sort through emotions and memories, and it’s essential to allow myself to feel everything that comes up. Right now, I feel like my anchor is gone and I am adrift and not sure which way to go or where I will end up. But by facing my feelings head-on, I honor her and myself, and will embrace the growth that I know will come from this profound loss.

In this journey, I strive to be kind to myself. I allow the memories to guide me through the grief, and I remember that in every reflection of my mother, I am also rediscovering parts of myself. This process, though painful, is a testament to the enduring love and influence of my mother’s legacy in my life.

Thank you for your support and understanding during this time. Your love and kindness mean more to me than words can express.

With heartfelt gratitude,

Sandy

I think motherhood requires us to “do the work” on ourselves so that we can give the best to our children. Our mothers can certainly wreck us AND our children can break our hearts, so learning to leave selfishness behind is so important.

Moms, we have to lead the way here! When we pursue the path of love, and in the case of mothers, unconditional love, it all seems to flow better. Less drama and heartache, and more peace. My mom always taught me that someone had to be the bigger person, so why not let it start with me?

For me, learning to think and act less selfishly and getting out of my own head helped me not only be a better human being as I went through difficult times with my children but, it also taught me to be a better mother. It taught me the real value of life and living in the moments we are given. And now that I have grandchildren, it’s all about living in the moment!

A little heavy for Mother’s Day? Maybe, but it’s true and it’s real. Being a mom is hard just like being a child is hard. We have to embrace and accept where we find ourselves and learn to deal within those situations with grace and real love. And if we commit to love and are willing to do the work, we will overcome the obstacles and carry on!

And that my friends is what motherhood is according to my experiences, I would love to hear about yours!! …. Happy Mother’s Day to all. 殺朗

Holiday Magic and My Favorite Things

The holidays of Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas and New Year’s have officially begun, and I am so excited as it unfolds each special gift. What a wonderful time when all is focused on love and giving – the sentiment, the change in focus, the energy and the opportunity for celebration, gathering and stopping to give thanks and outwardly show our love are the things I love most about it.  Even though these qualities can and do occur year round, for some reason, there is a bit of magic that infiltrates everything this time of year.  And I love it!

Today I want to wish each of you a very happy holiday season!  To start it out right, here are a few of my favorite things to remind you of the magic that is all around us. These are the simple beauties that inspire and motivate me. I invite you to take a minute and share with me what inspires you too.
Love and hugs – Sandy

A Few of My Favorite Holiday Things:

• a crackling, cozy fire in the fireplace
• decadent hot chocolate topped with homemade whipped cream
• listening to Carpenters Christmas album
• drinking eggnog
• looking at the cards at Papyrus
• being with my two wonderful grown up kids
• going to pick out the Christmas tree
• making and eating squash casserole (for my recipe go to: http://wp.me/p14m59-10R)
• rubbing up against the Christmas trees at the tree seller and taking the pine scent home on my coat
• cooking with my family and the mayhem in the kitchen
• drinking hot spiced tea by the fire

• presents under the tree
• fresh baked pumpkin pie with real whipped cream
• hanging a lights and decorating the front porch
• drinking wine and baking with friends
• creating the perfect holiday cards to send to special friends
• watching classic holiday films – It’s a Wonderful Life, White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street
• shopping for little stocking stuffers
• hitting the $1 section at Target and sending “care” boxes to my loved ones
• snow flakes falling on Christmas Eve
• listening to and singing “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and “White Christmas“
• laying under my mom’s HUGE Christmas tree like a kid
• snow sledding under the full moon

• hanging the stockings by the fireplace for my kids and granddogs
• mom’s stockings that she hangs over her mantel and the surprises they contain
• shopping for treasures and special ornaments
• taking chilly walks and stomping through the colorful leaves
• Bing Crosby, Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra, and Mariah Carey, Michael Bublé, MJB holiday music
• learning about and experiencing how others celebrate their holidays
• donating time or singing for local charities or special schools
• hosting a festive gathering at my home for special friends and family
• having coffee and shuffling around the house early in the morning in my cozy pajamas
• a chance to reflect on the amazing year I experienced
• endless scarves to choose from

• city streets and trees outlined in colorful lights
• going out in the neighborhood and doing some old-fashioned Christmas caroling with the family
• wrapping presents with beautiful papers and ribbons
• pumpkin bread with a homemade latte topped with cinnamon
• spending more time with my parents and family, loved ones and friends
• dressing up and going out to dinner for a special holiday night
• quiet walks and talks with family after we have eaten the holiday turkey
• an opportunity for a fresh start
• new chances to love and give

Wishing you a grateful heart, unconditional love and abiding peace – Happy Holidays!

Other posts on SaturdaySoul:
A world created from passion – passion has it’s downfalls, but how could we live without it?
love’s the only gift worth giving – we look for what will heal and comfort us, but it is right here in front of us!
Dazed in an Ice Cocoon – sometimes we think we will die in our icy little cocoon, but we will emerge again.
You Will Receive Wisdom on Your Journey – don’t forget to grab a little wisdom along the way!

For My Son

These big man hands were once
Creating crafts of clay
With little fingerprints left in
Little cracks, little dents
This once small heart,
Afraid of the dark
Now is large and knows
Real fear, real sorrow
Once tears for scrapped knees
And broken things
Now knows the angst of a broken
Heart that must keep beating
That little head once framed by
Dark curls while the world unsullied
Slipped by,
Now tosses and turns to the music
Of lost hope’s time
Those little feet that danced in joy
For no other reason than they could
Now trips over the shroud
Of meant-to-bes and shoulds
Once swaddled by dreams, soft smiles, little lashes
Trembling in sweet sleep
Now knows the terror of waking
To a heart breaking
Knowledge has given you wings
But reality has its sting
And now your tears will know
Why they’re cried-
You will go on
Your heart will be stronger for the battering
And your soul will be whole despite the tatters
You will find your song in the promise
Of the broken wings that still can fly
You will be free, you will be free
For there is still music and joy
And beauty and this is the way of the world
A circle of beginnings and endings,
Of joy and sorrow, of tears and laughter
Of music and silence
Of dancing and stillness
Love will come and go
But it is always here, an indestructible force
That just lies dormant waiting for you to uncover it
Or it will surprise you with an ecstasy unconfined,
Deep, like ancient wine
You will weep, but you will sing
You will walk in darkness, you will fly in light
You will dash your heart across the stones
But you will hold it to the fire
You will love, desire and fight
You’ll gain the day and own the night
You’ll hold the river’s flow
You are stronger than you know
© Kelli Geopfert
Photos by Alain Laboile

I am closing the laptop and turning off the last of the lights as I bring this beautiful birthday, my birthday June 27, to a close.  I feel so full, so satisfied, and rich with life and love.  I have spent the day with some of my favorite people in the whole world – my family, my children.  We talked, laughed, worked, shopped, played, swam and laid in the sun, cooked and had an amazing dinner and dessert.  There was love and spirit and peace.  Contentment. A lovely gathering of our hearts to celebrate our love for each other.  I am blessed like the monk in Siem Reap told me, I am victorious – lucky in life!  And I believe it!

Between swimming and sunning, talking and cooking, we would of course be on our iphones (as we are all pretty much a family of artists and geeks) checking in on Facebook and Twitter and reading our text messages.  I had fun opening my online gifts and getting birthday greetings from so many lovely people that just wanted to wish me a great day.

Thank you, each of you, for taking the time to share your heart and give me a simple message that told me for a brief second you thought of me and wanted me to know – how wonderful is that?

I love the quote at the top of this blog post about the rose.  I thought it was appropriate as it appears on my daily Zen calendar for today’s date.  Please embrace the idea with me that we don’t have to worry about blooming, because we are too busy blooming!  If we can just let go and allow life to flow through us, beautiful things will come out of the wonderful creation that we are.  That lovely “thing” that is just meant to be – you!

All my love and gratitude for this day and the love that you have allowed to flow out of your heart to me.  Happy Birthday me!  It is great to be alive!

Love and peace,
Sandy