another weekend comes to a close

the music opens the scene

i sit alone again

wine in hand

music in my ears

memories of him

in my room

in my bed

it’s Sunday night

i’ll write

maybe send him a note

nope

i’ve done that

maybe i’ll write it down

another passage in my journal

post a lovers note

but i’ve done that

so many times before

he doesn’t read it

falls on deaf ears

blind eyes

never to see my heart

why?

when will the longing go away

when will my heart accept the truth

that it was only me

some weird need

and oh so real

he filled it for a minute

and I turned it into years

so is it finally over?

do i say goodbye?

no need

he already did that

© Sandy Hibbard

Ahhh the seasons – the cold ends, Spring bounces in and Summer hits us quick and hard.  Every season brings new sounds, new colors, and new winds blow in change, delight,  and challenge!  I love the seasons, but I hate the winds!  The winds of life have brought me through many seasons – times of new challenges, pain and death, opportunities to learn tolerance, accept loss, and experience growth. love and beauty – all I have to say is that when the winds of change come, it is hard – sometimes hell on earth!  But I found a secret.  Just keep yourself and your head, focus, and you will come out alright.  Sounds easy, huh?

After a terrible divorce years ago, I decided that I was NOT going to give up but instead was going to fight my way through the circumstances.  I wanted to die, I wanted to kill.  BUT… I didn’t!  I chose to forgive and stay steady, do the right thing and focus on what mattered.  To be present.  What mattered most was my children.  So, I focused on them.  I wasn’t going to let circumstances dictate how our lives were going to wind up!  I was going to bravely march forward with my own damn banner and establish my territory!

I think our “springs” (really any of the seasons we go through) are demanding that of us, that we forge our way to bring new life and new growth.  To focus on being there in the moment (an incredible act of love). It isn’t easy.  Most of our life depends on what we make up our mind to do.  We don’t have to “go along”.  And when I say “do the right thing”, I don’t mean follow the status quo – who says that is the right thing?  That is for YOU to decide for your life.

In the face of challenges or trouble, my grandmother would say “it won’t matter in a 100 years”.  I have used her words many times to help me decide if something was worth the fight.  And you know what I discovered?  What will always matter in 5, 10, 100 or a 1000 years is LOVE – how we give it and how we receive it – and RELATIONSHIP – how we embrace other human beings and the mark we leave on other’s hearts.  Love transcends everything, it is what produces the flower after a harsh winter.

Back in the day, in bitter battle, I chose love.  It kept me from dying.  In this season, let the new life you see popping up remind you of the opportunities you have to make beauty out of your circumstances – bravely march forward!

Love and Peace!
Sandy

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” 

~ Jim Morrison