another weekend comes to a close

the music opens the scene

i sit alone again

wine in hand

music in my ears

memories of him

in my room

in my bed

it’s Sunday night

i’ll write

maybe send him a note

nope

i’ve done that

maybe i’ll write it down

another passage in my journal

post a lovers note

but i’ve done that

so many times before

he doesn’t read it

falls on deaf ears

blind eyes

never to see my heart

why?

when will the longing go away

when will my heart accept the truth

that it was only me

some weird need

and oh so real

he filled it for a minute

and I turned it into years

so is it finally over?

do i say goodbye?

no need

he already did that

© Sandy Hibbard

Maybe it’s time to let go.

Things build up. They get heavy. When we forget to let go, we feel heavy.

Even though you may not be carrying your stuff around in a backpack or a suitcase, you still carry it. You carry the weight of your stuff in your bones, your mind and your heart. Stuff like:

• clutter in your home
• just in case stuff in storage
• harsh words from a loved one
• regret
• guilt

The heaviness can look like exhaustion, frustration, sadness, anxiousness and illness and when you keep holding onto everything, it’s hard to figure out what’s weighing you down.

We each carry our own heavy things like worry, fear, pain, and bad habits, but we all share the burden. It’s not just you who suffers from the weight you carry through the world. It impacts your work, relationships, health and everyone around you.

Even though letting go can feel scary, and uncertain, it also feels light. You can feel the lightness immediately and other people will recognize it too. They will sense that there is something different about you. It’s hard to ignore when someone feels light.

1. When you let go of physical objects, your home feels light.
Start with the easy stuff like duplicates, things you don’t use or enjoy and the stuff that has no purpose in your life or your home. Box it up, set it aside, and notice the light in your home. This is the best place to start.

2. When you let go of what you don’t like about yourself, your body feels light.
Maybe you don’t like your weight, your wrinkles or something else about your body. Our negative self talk around appearance is heavy.

Look in the mirror and smile. Throw your scale away. Really see yourself and the body that has been through so much with you. Notice something you love about yourself and refuse to compare or measure it. Read about how one woman learned to live in her body for inspiration and figure out what works best for you. Let it go and feel the light in your body.

3. When you let go of anger or resentment from the past, your heart feels light.
Letting go doesn’t require fixing things, or setting the record straight. You can just decide that you are going to stop punishing yourself. If you need a ceremony, write it down and burn or tear it up. Forgive yourself. Forgive others even if they don’t think they need forgiveness. Say goodbye to the hurt you cannot resolve and notice the light in your heart.

4. When you let go of fear of the future, your soul feels light.
The path ahead is uncertain and that’s never going to change. Release your fear of how things will unfold by getting rooted in the present. Show up for your life today and you will be better equipped to handle your tomorrows with grace and ease.

Take a deep breath, let the fear about what might happen go, and notice the light in your soul.

5. When you let go of items on your to-do list, your mind feels light.
Maybe you can do it all, but you can’t do it all today. Let go of the long lists and focus on a short one with a handful of items that you can accomplish in one day. You have to choose between crossing things off your list, or living with clarity about what’s most important to you. At the end of the day, once you’ve let go of all the things that need to be done, notice the light in your mind.

6. When you let go of perfection, everything feels light.
The opposite of perfection is freedom, so when you let it go, your work, health, and relationships rise from that freedom and lightness. Let there be typos and failures in your work. Let there be disagreements with people you love. Let there be lazy afternoons of movie marathons and doing nothing. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress and feel the light in everything.

7. When you let go of the need to be right, your relationships feel light.
When did being right and fixing people replace true love in your relationship? Let go of being right and focus on what makes you smile. Give your friend/lover/partner a big hug, remember what you love about the two of you together and notice the light in your relationship.

When letting it go, start with one thing. Remember how long you’ve been holding on and give yourself some grace in the time it will take to let it go. You didn’t hold on with the intention of suffering but you can let go with the intention of feeling happy, free and light.

When you are overwhelmed, tired or stressed, the solution is almost always … less. Get rid of something. Lots of somethings. Let it go.

If you want to feel light, you have to let go.

Article by by Courtney Carver for bloglovin.

I love the feeling of taking off

Kinda helpless you just let go of all control

Feel the speed in your muscles and the roar of the engine in your head

All that force gently tacks you to the back of your seat

You simply have to submit to the gravity on your body

So refreshing to not worry about doing anything – just letting go to another’s control

Trusting

Feeling everything in your body

And knowing there is nothing you can do but just be.

© Sandy Hibbard Flying to Chicago 

I can’t run far enough away from myself

Wherever I go you are there in my memory

Despising the distance or

Painfully too close

Every map leads me back to you

Where is this journey ending?

It’s hard to keep pretending

Like the music on my playlist that I stole

That we shared

It wasn’t really mine to hold

But for a moment to enjoy

And I did

Every song, every rhyme, every story

You played right into my history

I’m so emotional, I thought that you were lost

But I still feel near to your heart

No matter how far apart

Let the records play

Of our love of those days

To remember the time and ease the pain

And bridge the distance of our love exchanged

© Sandy Hibbard 2019 March 29

There are some days I just wake up weepy, confused about my direction, dismayed at my life, bewildered about the love missing in my life.  Looking for my muse. Today was just that.  I didn’t necessarily wake up depressed or sad, I woke up missing… just about everything.

I do my best to live in the now, but as years go by and my experience deepens and broadens, it can be a challenge to stay out of the past and in the moment. What I mean is, it is easy to fall into reflection of our lives – which is good – but then get caught in a downward spiral of memories. Just like Alice’s rabbit hole, I fall. Introspection is good, but morbid introspection does not make a joyful traveller.

On the mornings that I wake up missing, I realize that I am in a space where I need to be joined to something bigger than me. It is that relationship with love [you] that gives me purpose, that fills the empty places and makes me feel like I am part of the whole. That bond actually pulls my walls down! I suppose it is my Freudian need to merge with the collective unconscience and feel linked to this universe.  Do I love you because I am navigating toward my other self, or because I am trying to connect to the world? Either way, it is a beautifully painful experience to miss, and a mysterious and scary adventure to converge upon (minds, hearts, lives).

On my day of missing, I write this verse…

The Day I Went Missing

It seems that all at once I am ready to think of more than just me, but you are absent. I can not find you in the darkness of my mind.  I can not find you in the light of my imagination. As I ramble through my memories I find traces of you, pieces of experiences that I will never take for granted. I find the lines that contain you, and imagine the color you have poured into each second of my life. I imagine memories from moments that are yet to be created…

I miss your eyes sparkling with excitement
when you looked over your shoulder as we made the crest
and you reached back for my hand
together we climbed to share the view of 1000 miles
I miss you pressing your lips to mine to wake me from my dreams
your hot breath wafting across my face
as fragrant as the aroma of the boulangeries from the streets in St. Germaine
the sound of your gentle voice could not refresh me more
I miss each moment of shared laughter and silly stories
pretend voices and playing music so loud the cops stop in for a visit
Every nervous peek into your heart
you were bold enough to share
every word spoken to encourage
guide
rant
your whining
I miss
I think about your longish fingers and warm hands as they untie the lace on the back of my skirt
quiet hours
moody light
I can still feel your touch as you slipped your hand under my shirt to lay skin on skin and without a word we made love
I miss that
I miss cozy fireplace evenings of quiet contemplation as I wait for your return
sexy selfies
personally revealing journal entries
time alone – utterly alone
and French music playing on Pandora
I miss our toasts
clink clink clink
one
two
three drinks
with each one knowing the next one would be a little more dangerous
a good bourbon I miss
my bar I miss
I even miss the way your hand wraps around a whiskey glass
the way you pour your French wine with your thumb slightly pointing forward
god I love that
I miss the laughter of children playing in my pool
dogs barking
balls bouncing
and the way you would look across the garden with eyes that spoke desire
I miss your happiness
Long walks along the trail I miss
watching the riders go by
saying hello to strangers and feeling like the lioness protecting her domain
I miss the warmth of my home and the smell of fresh pressed coffee in the morning
I miss deep conversations with my son
my brother and nieces and family fun
I miss the crazy times and being young
I miss your strong arms and tender lips
I miss your sudden moves that made me laugh
you’re slow kiss
I miss your company in the other room
I miss making love in the afternoon
I miss our intimate talks afterwards
exploring poetry and love
talking of life and letting go
never understanding that the hurt had gone too deep
I miss sleeping with you
I miss sleeping
I miss sleep
I miss my mother
I miss my father
I miss my sisters
I miss my daughter
I miss the smell of your hair
sweet as the lavender you picked for me
in the fields of Provence
in the garden of Versailles
in the field behind the country house
I miss your hands on my shoulders
sliding around to the nap of my neck as you pull me close
and that boyish chuckle afterwards
as you nuzzle your face to my neck
whispering what you want to do next
. . . oh how I miss that kiss
Breakfast chats
sitting on your lap
the glow on your face in the morning
I miss your innocence about life
and our clever conversations
how could it be that you would ever leave me
why would you want to miss me like that?
I miss swimming naked in the pool
late at night
full moon
our favorite wine
I miss fires in the chiminea and how we would lay with legs intertwined
on the recliner
flipping bottle caps and missing
laughing
then kissing
Will there ever be an end to all this missing?
© Sandy Hibbard 2016

‘Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons
of reason which today arm you against the present.’
~ Marcus Aurelius

Let it Go

Let it go. It’s impossible not to ever hold onto certain ideals … but if you see that the ideal is causing you pain, you can be compassionate with yourself and let go of the ideal. Sure, people should treat you nicely, but that’s an ideal that’s not always going to be true. Letting go of the ideal means embracing the reality that there’s a wide range of behaviors that people will have, and that’s a part of life. Humans don’t always act ideally. We need to accept that, and not force an ideal on reality.

Excerpt from The Survival Kit at ZenHabits.net

The Paris Review

MAILER:  Every wife is a culture, and you enter deep into another culture, one that’s not your own, and you learn an awful lot from it.  And give  the fact that marriage is not always a comfortable institution, you chafe in that culture. For example, suppose you spend ten years of your life in France.  And you finally decide to leave.  You wouldn’t for the rest of your life say, I hate France. You’d say, France has an awful lot to offer.  I have my differences with it, but I’m happy I spent ten years in France. . . .
ARTIST REPLY: People are sent to us for the most amazing reasons…sometimes for just a second. Good…every relationship, every man has a beautiful meaning in your life…for no matter now short or long the love affair lasted…love stays…people travel on.
 
 

Love & Hugs,
Sandy

Beauty which Departs but Returns

The small floating island travels through the canal.

– Open the door, mother! So that we can surprise

that wandering soul who has arrived at our offerings;

the mirrors of the waterways have blinded her…

but she can feel her way, alone, to our house.

Prepare the food. That death may see

that this love of life we offer as a gift

so that she may better understand what the mystery

has bequeathed.

– Yes, dear daughter. Our house, clean, welcomes our

visitor.

Lights. Incense. Tamales. Chairs.

The bed is made with flowers which we bought.

The little floating house is beauty that traverses

by the unparalleled road of all the river banks

we get on and then… Will we return?

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/beauty-which-departs-but-returns/feed/ 0 1357 https://saturdaysoul.com/love-is-calling/ https://saturdaysoul.com/love-is-calling/#respond Wed, 12 Feb 2014 04:51:44 +0000 http://saturdaysoul.wordpress.com/?p=1247 […]]]>

Love is Calling

I write for him, not you
What is this?
How could my love be stolen so quickly?
Didn’t you know I was in danger?
You could have listened.
Then you would have realized
…Believed
That I dream of someone else.
Would you have guessed that my affections would turn to another?
Just one word from you and I would have stayed.
I think I’m going now.
Love is calling.
I can’t let it get away.
© Sandy Hibbard
“Love is Calling” Photo by Elizzzard