For all of us, love and relationships weave through our lives, shaping our experiences and defining our personal development. It certainly has mine. Through my journeys into the realms of love, I’ve often found myself dealing with the complexities of human connections. Relationships are hard at best, and love, it is fragile yet so powerful. The road to find it is filled with joy, pain, and everything in between.

Throughout my life, I’ve embraced love with an open heart. I have eagerly explored its depths and intricacies. In fact, in each of my relationships, I have planted my hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities quite fearlessly. I’ve also encountered the harsh realities of love in those relationships – the betrayals, the heartaches, and the disillusionments. It’s these moments of darkness that have taught me the most about myself and the nature of relationships… and love.

Dependency

One recurring theme that echoes through love experiences is the notion of emotional dependency. Like a seductive siren, love lures us into its depths, and wraps us in its embrace until we become completely immersed in it. That’s the ecstasy of it after all. But it’s easy to lose yourself in the euphoria of connection, to mistake emotional intensity for genuine intimacy.

I’ve come to realize that true love is not about possession or control, emotions aside, it is more  about mutual respect, understanding, and growth. Years ago, when I was in therapy, I remember my Dr. K telling me that I could not control my love interest; that I must be ok with ‘not knowing’. Love and relationships are not meant to be controlled! And the outcome of two people who are attracted to each other cannot be manipulated either. Instead, it’s about nurturing each other’s individuality while fostering a deep bond of trust and companionship. In essence, it’s about finding someone who complements your soul rather than completes it.

But what happens when love turns toxic, when the lines between passion and obsession blur? I’ve learned that recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is crucial in preserving one’s well-being (ya think?!). Just as a flower cannot bloom in toxic soil, our spirits cannot thrive in an environment devoid of love and respect.

Yet, even in the midst of heartbreak and despair, there is beauty to be found. Each experience, whether joyful or painful, serves as a stepping stone on the path to self-discovery and empowerment. As a creative, I’ve channeled my emotions into my work, transforming pain into poetry, heartache into harmony. Through creativity, I’ve found solace, a sanctuary where I can express the depths of my soul without fear or inhibition, or shame. Each person has within them the ability to channel their pain into a place where they can transform it. When you let go of the insanity of the emotions of the moment, you can guide yourself into a higher realm of thinking and action.

Unhealthy Attachments

Love, at times, can be like a cigarette—a seemingly harmless habit that you’ve grown accustomed to, even addicted to. It’s a familiar comfort, a fleeting escape from the realities of life. But just as smoking slowly erodes our health, so too can love become destructive, consuming us from within. We may find ourselves clinging to relationships that no longer serve us, trapped in a cycle of dependency and disillusionment.

In acknowledging this truth, we empower ourselves to break free from the chains of unhealthy attachments and embrace the transformative power of self-love. Easier said than done, right?  Self-love and personal power is something we develop, it is a result of our suffering and experiences. It is only when we release the grip of past habits and embrace our inherent worthiness that we can truly experience the fullness of authentic love. The kind of love that nourishes the soul and allows us the freedom we crave.

Trust

Trust forms the very foundation upon which we build our connections. We want to believe in the authenticity of those we hold dear, to trust that they are who they claim to be. Yet, what happens when the person we’ve opened our hearts to turns out to be someone entirely different?

I recently found myself in a situation where someone I had grown incredibly close to was not who I thought they were. Their lies shattered the illusion of our bond. It felt surreal. How could someone you love deceive you so completely, leaving nothing but doubt and disillusionment in every aspect of the relationship? How could I trust in the sincerity of our connection when it was built upon a foundation of deceit?

The truth is, there was no relationship. And even when you have accepted that, when you move forward, that deception has a way of casting a shadow over even the brightest moments you had experienced. It calls into question the authenticity of every shared laugh, every tender moment of intimacy. It’s a sobering realization that the person you think you knew may be nothing more than a mirage—a facade carefully constructed to mask their true intentions.

Moving forward

So how do you move forward when trust has been broken, when the very essence of a relationship feels tainted by deception? In the aftermath of my own experience, I have learned that the only way you can move forward is through the process of time, healing and self-discovery (time, love and tenderness!).

First and foremost, it’s essential to acknowledge and validate your feelings of betrayal and hurt. Staying in denial or looking for excuses will only make the pain linger. My therapist told me once that there was something greater than forgiveness – acceptance. Not playing the blame-game, but accepting where you are, what has happened, or what someone else has done.  Embracing it.

Yes, it’s okay to grieve the loss of trust, to mourn the innocence of belief in someone’s authenticity, and then to accept it. In the middle of the pain and acceptance, there lies an opportunity for growth and introspection, and personal freedom.

And remember: We must learn to trust ourselves—to listen to the whispers of intuition that speak to the truth of our experiences. It’s a journey of self-discovery, of reclaiming your power and acquiring insight into your own character.

Restoration

Even as we embark on this journey, we must recognize that trust, once broken, cannot be easily restored. To be very honest, I never wanted to restore the relationships that I lost due to betrayal, there were no children or marriages involved, so I let them go and moved on. However, in some situations healing and restoration is desired. And that requires patience, honesty, and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths that lie at the heart of those relationships.

Ultimately, regaining trust is a gradual process—one that requires both parties to be willing to do the hard work of rebuilding what has been lost. It may require difficult conversations, honest apologies, and a commitment to transparency and vulnerability. But perhaps most importantly, it requires a willingness to believe that despite the pain of betrayal, love still has the power to heal and transform. For in the crucible of adversity, we discover the resilience of the human spirit, and the capacity of the heart to forgive, to love, and to trust once again.

In the end, it is not the destination that matters, but the process of living and gaining wisdom,  the realization of love and self-discovery, and becoming the individual we were always meant to be. So here’s to the  complexities of love, to the highs and lows, the twists and turns, and the genuineness of the heart’s adventures.

I want to do to you what spring does with the cherry trees.
~ Pablo Neruda

Amazing photography by Graham Owen.

another weekend comes to a close

the music opens the scene

i sit alone again

wine in hand

music in my ears

memories of him

in my room

in my bed

it’s Sunday night

i’ll write

maybe send him a note

nope

i’ve done that

maybe i’ll write it down

another passage in my journal

post a lovers note

but i’ve done that

so many times before

he doesn’t read it

falls on deaf ears

blind eyes

never to see my heart

why?

when will the longing go away

when will my heart accept the truth

that it was only me

some weird need

and oh so real

he filled it for a minute

and I turned it into years

so is it finally over?

do i say goodbye?

no need

he already did that

© Sandy Hibbard

Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

LOVE: Like Unwrapping a Box of Chocolates

Listen to Sandy:

Where have I felt loved? That’s a big question and not so easily answered. Not because I haven’t experienced much love, but because there is no black or white answer.

In my lifetime, I have done a lot of things; I have put myself “out there” as a performer, singer, actor, teacher, counselor, parent, friend, daughter, and leader more times than I can even recount. In those times, I have basked in respect, camaraderie, joy, acceptance, gratefulness – many of the attributes that you might associate with love. But has there been a moment when I was saturated in feelings of love? I’ve had to think about this.

This is a question more easily answered by a 13-year-old, who hasn’t lived life and had a lot of life experiences. But as a 66-year-old who has lived a large life and as a result, I am filled with the knowledge of my experiences, there is no black-and-white answer to this question. As soon as I can remember a time where I felt loved, looking back on it in the big picture of things with understanding and knowledge, I can easily say,  “…yeah but.” It was only a moment. Does that sound hard and bitter? No, it shouldn’t, because I’m not. What I’m saying is that love is an emotion that we feel. We take home that feeling from a situation or a moment we have experienced.

Probably the most awesome “feeling” of love is experienced while having sex. But we all know that sex does not always equal love! When we cook meals for our family, they might show their appreciation and you’re going to feel loved, but they’re also just thanking you and showing emotion for their food because they’re hungry. If I get on stage to perform and get a standing ovation and people come up to me afterwards and tell me how great I am, sure, in that moment, I’m feeling love. But in reality these people are just happy to be given something that makes them feel better. I’m a conduit and they appreciate the message. We are all messengers! 

So when I dig a little deeper (because this is a vast subject, this love thing), I find that this feeling of love is really about how we are feeling about ourselves. It’s about self-love, displayed through authentic acceptance, forgiveness, and grace – for me! Embracing my faults, failures, inadequacies, and all the things I bring to the table as a human being.

Love becomes palpable when I act out of love in whatever I do, it’s not as a transaction for validation.

Of course, I feel love when my grandchildren hug me, or when my son and daughter share an embrace. I could say that it’s a given [to feel love], but obviously it’s not. There are people who never feel loved from their family. But in my case, there is an authentic moment of love in the interactions that I have daily with my children and my grandchildren, because that is what I have groomed with them. It’s not because I have performed in a way to deserve it.  This is the biggie, love is not a transaction, it’s not a reward. It is a choice we make first within our own minds.

Bottom line, you will feel love when you love yourself and you allow your actions to be based on authentic motives without fear or judgement. Those are the moments that shout “LOVE WAS HERE!“. The ripples of authentic love are boundless, diverse, and surprising – like unwrapping a new box of chocolates!

XOXOXO

A love story in 100 words

There was something familiar about him, something about the apartment, the bed, the kitchen that made me feel comfortable.  He made me feel at home, and I was.  I’m not quite sure what I was expecting – after the last visit and my fluctuating emotions, I wasn’t sure that I would feel anything. But I did. I caught a glimpse of the man that I knew was there.  More attentive, relaxed, happy.  I felt his love for me, his desire that extended beyond sex.  Maybe a desire to be a part of my life….still not so sure.  But I caught a glimpse.

© Sandy Hibbard 2021

I get on this plane to come home and as the engine begins to thrust and my body is pushed back into my seat, my thoughts turn to you…the first time you rode next to me in a dark plane and the brief moment we shared in Chicago.  They were magical moments and the music playing makes me hungry to be with you in that way again, in the sweetest of ways.  Holding your hand as we strolled along the dark and ambient lit streets along the river, you in your long black coat, your chuckle, my nervous laugh, your tender kiss.  I know we have been through much since then – some things beautiful and hopeful, some things devastating and hurtful – but here we are.  And here I am – longing for you and desiring to be held in your comfortable arms.  I pray that we can find that same comfort in every moment we share – a beautiful bond that transcends even our private intimate moments to just being ourselves and quietly sharing our love.

© Sandy HIbbard 2021

Photo : Man in a Long Black Coat by Boss, 2013

This bartender who mixed my French 75‘s flirted his way to my bed… and he stayed a while.

One Valentine’s Day we had cocktails and watched sports, then quietly he walked me home. I waved goodbye from my 3rd floor window as I watched him walk away singing… “Sandy you’re a fine girl what a good wife you would be…”

It’s much easier when you leave love out of it.

#lovein100words

© Sandy Hibbard

I’m was nervous as a cat. After texting him for a year, we’re finally meeting. I wondered, what will he look like? Will I feel the same when I see him? “Oh god, what will he think when he sees me?!” Sick with emotion, I wanted to hide in the bathroom and cry.

I arrived early at the bar, finished my old-fashioned quickly and started channeling the energy of Hemingway. Maybe I’ll free this heart, set it back to it’s blazing glory. “Ok” I thought, “let’s drink”. I’ll leave the rest to chance and time to tell our story.

© Sandy Hibbard

Photo © Sandy Hibbard

If I could awaken from love’s dream
turn the mercury to a sliver
and hush the very breath that warmth and joy delivers…

If I could snuff the laughter
to a filtered pretend chuckle
and fasten tight the mystery with a hardened cut-steel buckle

If I harnessed dreams’ heart and hope
with a cold and cloudy stare
and turned my face from what is real,
if I could stop love there.

Soon the prickle of the cold
would turn my heart to grief,
if I awakened from the dream laid at my lover’s feet

And so this vision must remain
sweetly moving, gently nurtured
in the hope of love’s embrace

© Sandy Hibbard

Run

    Run

        RUN away from me if you will

Because you will never find another me

What scares you now is the thing that you need

What attracts you now could be your heart speaking

You can leave for all your reasons

But you’ll be back

Run baby

Free yourself while you can

Otherwise you gonna be my man

© Sandy Hibbard