A love story in 100 words

There was something familiar about him, something about the apartment, the bed, the kitchen that made me feel comfortable.  He made me feel at home, and I was.  I’m not quite sure what I was expecting – after the last visit and my fluctuating emotions, I wasn’t sure that I would feel anything. But I did. I caught a glimpse of the man that I knew was there.  More attentive, relaxed, happy.  I felt his love for me, his desire that extended beyond sex.  Maybe a desire to be a part of my life….still not so sure.  But I caught a glimpse.

© Sandy Hibbard 2021

   “Let’s not be concerned with whether but when. It’s a time for bold moves along this journey and I believe we will meet at our destiny.”

RaccOOn eYES

I don’t know whether to miss you or let you go

you can be so damn cold

words confess your love

its what our hearts seem to know

but time and distance creep in

and the doubt begins to grow

when we’re together it’s beautiful simplicity

but as soon as that door shuts

my heart sinks in complicity

feeling like a stranger

an outsider

the silence gets wider

with eyes near shut I put on blinders

wondering if there’s a place for me

loving you persistently

decidedly

like a loud noise

annoyingly

but will you hear it

this heart of mine has spirit

like sounding brass and tinkling cymbal

yet patience joy and love resembles

I’ll miss you now a little longer

That always makes my heart grow fonder

building muscle

getting stronger

will you benefit from my plight

and jump in with me in sheer delight

or with raccoon eyes

disappear into the night?

© Sandy Hibbard 

Click on the video to listen to and watch the spoken word poetry by Sandy.

They were Mixfits

He was a blend of everything she ever wanted . . .

Ringlets of his hair tangled in her fingers
and his slender body lingered
. . . in her imagination
pouty lips and steel blue eyes
provoked her deepest desire
to know him
but he was a mischievous kind
with a heart so complicated
it was hard to get through

His boyish charms delighted her
his oldish heart comforted her
feeding the need of desire
and the hope of falling in love
. . . yes
she fell in love

Heart interrupted
emotions captured
inducing days
coloring months
. . . years
of languishing
over her obsessive addiction
leading her down a road of endless daydreams
and risqué inventions

No poetry or conversations
only her imagination

A sad naïveté’
but full of wonder
she moved slow
setting a pace to match the music
of her heart
of her love

Like a gypsy tossing out convention
she worked hard for his attention

…And they were worlds apart
yet he could not let her go
and she…?
would not

“I’m an old soul”
he would say
“is this what love feels like”
she would wonder
“don’t get serious”
he replied

No love lost
all hope dies

She would do anything to see him
he would do anything she wanted
selfish
needy
moody
greedy
a paradox of love
on a painful endless journey
into groundhog day
repeating joy
after fear
after tear
year after year
…after year

Yet they were perfect –
stubborn and childish
tender and giving
practically wise
creatively driven
in all their history
it was just a total mystery

What would
what could
these feelings ever bring
that would make sense…
could they endure
over time and circumstance?

Music shared
songs sung
words written
photos taken
he ignited her muse
she would quietly whisper
“…but I love you”
he would say nothing
…rounding off her sentences with more questions

Yet delicately they were
connected
a predictable
stream of emotions
rushing in and running out
he was her saffron delight
rich and intense
rare and hard to get
she was his light
forgiving
blending
lending love into his life

He was a reservoir of passion ready to explode
…but he held back
anxiously intense
loving
caring
tending
his heart
privately keeping
to his reality
that it did’t make sense

She was a time bomb
waiting for words
holding her heart for only him
anticipating with fear his rejection
but it never really came
because love grew strong
in this connection

A mixed up fit
uniquely together
seduced by their love
lured by curiosity
and held snug by the
tenacity of their passions

The perfect -ness
that lives in rest
between the arms
of two mixfits

© Sandy Hibbard

© Sandy Hibbard

Broken Through to Silence 

Why won’t you say something?
You’re the one I want
Yet time and distance keeps us apart
The fire of your smile captured me a long time ago
I will follow you to Marghdeen
Just to hear you sing
But don’t let the starlight fade
     Won’t you say my name?
What can break the silence between our hearts
Where time and distance pulls us apart
One word
Only one
Will give us a start
Your words broke my walls of shame
You showed me your heart again
And again
This wasn’t a game
No whose playing who
We occupy the same place
     Won’t you say my name?
I’m letting go for the first time
But i know it won’t be my last
Star gazing
Passion’s fading
And I’m afraid
Afraid of never feeling this again
 
© Sandy Hibbard

As time goes by, I am thoughtful and aware of the people who have been in my life, and surprisingly, those people who no longer play an active role in my life as well. I want to share my thoughts about those people, the lost ones.  It’s a painful thing, to loose a relationship. When I do, I can’t help but think about them and mourn them, I constantly try to find a remedy for the loss because I am the kind of person that finds it very hard to let someone go.  I love people and I am loyal, it has always been difficult for me to breakup or loose someone I have loved.

Today I am thinking about those people who I have loved, who have touched me, who I have shared my heart with, and those who have been woven into the fabric of my life…but, for whatever reason, chose to dissolve the relationship.  Some were sudden, painful endings, while others were simply a drifting apart. Some are gone – not because of death or tragedy or because I asked them to go – but because they chose to move on.  Perhaps it was due to misunderstandings, selfishness on their part, or simply something stupid that makes you rub your head and go “whaaaaat?”  That is what really bothers me! I tend to want to go back, hunt them down and say “what did I do wrong?” “You misunderstood me!”  “What happened, why the coldness, why have you shut me out?”  Nevertheless, you and I both know that doesn’t work, so I am reckoning that it is best to let these people go.

When people, on their own accord, move on, you have to let them.  It is for their reasons and their’s alone that they are leaving.  What do THEIR ACTIONS have to do with you? Yes, they AFFECT you, but they really do not have anything to do with you. Their ideas and perceptions create their opinions that draws their conclusions! You can’t change that. That is THE hardest thing to accept for me – that I can’t change their mind or their heart, I simply have to say “ok” and let them go.  I have experienced this several times in my life and each time I thought I would die, but I didn’t.  I had to learn to let go.

With that said, I am on a mission to understand, and honestly try to find the good in each lost relationship.  Part of that mission is to balance the scales of my own heart and learn how to settle the score (so to speak) within myself.  It is an opportunity to grow and become more aware as I learn to love purely, accept without judgment, and continuously check my heart, motives, and actions.  (And guess what? It takes a lot less energy to do my own check-ups than to attempt to check up and monitor everyone else!) I can’t do anything about the lost ones, but I certainly can do something about me.  That is where the growth happens and understanding begins to bring enlightenment.

My dear friend and life coach “Dr K” has for many years taught me the importance of accepting things for the way they are. Forgiveness is good but still leaves a hole that you feel like you must fill with answers.  Forgetting is wonderful, but can rob your life of happy productive years.  So, take a minute and ponder acceptance without judgment.

To my point – if you accept the actions of someone who has hurt you, and acknowledge that what they did and the pain it caused was THEIR doing and not yours – it has the power to release you from the effects of their actions. They did what they did for their own reasons; there is no way I can control their thinking and actions, so I must let it go.

The “without judgment” can be a tuff one, but I believe it is hand and glove with acceptance and being able to move on.  When I am present with myself and aware of who I am, letting someone go without judging them becomes enlightening to my own heart.  It takes the weight off me so that I can seek my own awareness  based on who I am and not what someone else thinks of me or needs/doesn’t need from me.

As I said, I am on a mission of discovery.  I am on a journey of “seeing” and “being”.  Sometimes this isn’t so easy for me, because accepting and not judging leaves me no other choice but to let it go and move on with my life. I can’t fix it.  I can’t fix them.  I am sure that loss of relationships and friendships isn’t easy for you.  And, like me, I bet that accepting things as they are sometimes is a struggle.  So, I encourage you to join me in my mission: Love and discover yourself, get in-tune with your own heart and motives, accept that you cannot change someone else’s perspectives and therefore their decisions – no matter how close you are to them – but you CAN develop and know your own perspectives and boundaries.  Be willing to learn from your losses and allow your understanding to grow. Why? A million reasons why!!  But here’s a good one: Because there are more relationships and other opportunities that await those of us who are looking for them!

Love and Hugs,
Sandy