I feel I should explain a little about this writing, as it comes from a cynical place in my heart that I don’t often acknowledge, much less allow to be seen. A place that many of you may be familiar with due to all of your reasons, or, if you were raised in a religious home like me.

Breaking free from the cultish hold that religion can create on your mind and thinking is a tough thing. It has taken me over 20 years to begin to feel comfortable in following my own path away from the religious mores I grew up with. This is where “God is NOT Watching” came from. And if it is not a “religious” thing that connects you to this writing, perhaps it is a “perfection” thing. I have battled that too. From a small age I grew up thinking that God was always looking at me and judging everything I did, said, and thought. Sound familiar? Even though I believed him to be a loving and generous deity, I still felt I had to be perfect for him. I strove to be the best and most perfect girl-human I could be so that I would stay in his good graces. Maybe it was my perception of God, or something I learned from mom or dad, or just living in a glass house that made me feel like someone’s BIG eyes were on me at all times. It could be that way for you too, or perhaps a way of staying under control to our culture that we have learned, critical self-examination and morbid introspection that won’t let you just relax in who you are. Whatever it is that connects you to this writing,  I hope it will inspire you to join me in the journey towards authenticity and finding true personal freedom.
Much love and hugs…

God is NOT Watching . . . 

God is not watching

Momma’s not watching

No one is

No need to sit up straight

Or keep my hair in place

Don’t need perfect shoes and things

It’s just me

On my own

No one’s watching

No one’s coming for me while I sleep

No need to fear my own reason

Or keep my mind in check

There is no one reading it

I am free

To think

Be

Explore

Doubt

Curse

Laugh

Cry

Without limits

Love?

Why bother?

Who will notice if I do?

Hate? Who cares?

No one’s keeping score…

Why keep the fires burning in my heart?

Why keep the light on?

No ones expecting anything from me…

A light

A lover

A bride

It’s just me

What do I want?

What will I be?

Will I love because I feel it?

Will I give because I care?

Will I rest simply knowing

I am breathing

Sated

Able

No more waiting

For invisibles monsters

Or trying to please demanding Saviors

No more anxiety over gaining His approval

There is no one watching…

Without fear I will sleep

And explore to the ends of my imagination

In joy I will wake to another day

I will give out of the abundance of what I know

Cry because I’m overwhelmed with sadness

And love because that’s who I am

I live

I breathe

I join the human race

I will Be. Me.

© Sandy Hibbard 2017

Buried Sin

broken from the start

like leaves arrested before turning green

and flower buds that never woke

shards of glass

they stick and stain

no breath of hope

to breathe again

without a thought you gave your light

to something you could not explain

creeping on a soldiers cross

a sword of justice by his name

but no valiant king was he

only a master of deceit

…are you really not ok?

…will there be a better day

if you follow and obey?

he was the keeper of your shame

broken twisted

twigs and rain

covered up the muddied marks

of silent screams felt in the dark

…what did your mother teach you?

…what was your father’s plan?

to cry and pray and run away…

to find your life in magic land?

emotional

fanatical

whimsical

dépravable

made up stories to save your soul

but never taught him self control

or gave you power

to say “no”

i’m just outside

i’m looking in

i saw your life when you began

…where did you go?

…how did it end?

they found you in a dug-out hole

with your brain crush’ed by your soul

braised by sun and moon and scars

buried in your broken heart.

© Sandy Hibbard June 8, 2017

Featured image by @sand_gambler.jpeg / http://vandercastle.tumblr.com/