― C. JoyBell C.

Learning to be comfortable with yourself and to Spread Your Wings

For someone who was married most my life and now divorced, learning to be alone and trust and know my own self and my thoughts has been a challenge at times but an adventure toward priceless self-discovery!  I believe that living the fullness of our soul is in becoming increasingly aware of ourselves and the beauty and the magic we possess!

Love and peace!
XOXO
Sandy

The fear of the unknown can be very intimidating, daunting and at times debilitating. Ultimately, today is the only moment we have any control over, no matter what our goals are, no matter what we have our sights set on. We may be able to aid the outcome or hinder it, but so much is dependent upon how we take advantage of the bounty the world has to offer us each and every day.

Whether the uncertainty you have is in relationships, your career, your longevity or anything that keeps you up at night, the key is to always make sure your wings are spread. For example, in a relationship, it is better to trust and work toward something wonderful that you may be uncertain about(a future, a life together, etc) rather than to settle for something mediocre that while certain, may not be all that fulfilling. The same can be said for your career. It is only when you take a leap, when you do something slightly different than what you’ve been doing before that progress has the chance to happen.

Here are ten ways to practice spreading your own wings:

1. Look for the opportunity in every situation. Any time you find yourself in situations that are less than desirable, choose to see the opportunity for growth. Maybe a difficult situation at work allows you to hone your negotiating skills, or perhaps a failed relationship is allowing you to learn how to be a better partner and also how to communicate more clearly what you need in a relationship and what you can compromise on. Believe it or not, there is a silver lining to everything.

2. Always be observing as well as participating. This past year I have had more new and amazing experiences than I could have predicted when 2012 began, but through each experience I tried absorb as much as possible. For example, if you are in a new environment, take in all of the surroundings, cultural traditions and behaviors.  Drink in all of the inspiration that is just waiting to be captured. While you will most certainly want to participate, you will also want to be an observer of how and why things work – what you gravitated towards and what shocked you. Take note. Who knows when these observations could come in handy one day.

3. Ask questions of those who are the experts in the fields. If you are in a quandary, seek out experts in the fields you are curious about. If I have a question or concern about teaching, I often find myself calling up my mentor to ask her questions about teaching, or instead choose to read books by top researchers on topics that pique my interest.

4. Be willing to look foolish. Be willing to try, no matter what the outcome. Trying anything new can be intimidating partially because there is the fear that you may fail horribly. Well, of course this is a possibility! Think about a baby trying to walk for the first time. Many, many, many attempts are made immediately followed by tumbles to the floor before success occurs. But so long as you continue to try and fine tune what you learn from each experience, you will eventually build that muscle and find yourself standing without a hint of a wobble.

5. Keep a journal. Recording your thoughts in the present sometimes seems like a waste of time. However, just like a good bottle of red wine, well after you’ve tucked it away, the wisdom and truth begin to blossom. From my experience, it isn’t until a year has passed or more that I can look at the words I have written and see a pattern, or determine a passion, a curiosity or a purpose to my actions that may not have been visible initially in the moment. Give this amazing gift to yourself – keep a journal. You may be surprised by how much it could help guide you to where you are meant to go.

6. Don’t run from what you fear. Address it. Confront it. Ask why you are fearful. What are you fearful of – losing, feeling, discovering? After all, it is when we confront what we think we cannot that we gain confidence and strength rather than by doing what we already knew we could.

7. If traditional mores don’t suit your soul, try something else until you discover what it is about the tradition that makes you uncomfortable. Often it isn’t the entire event, but labels, preconceived notions and assumptions that go along with it. Dig deeper and understand what your instincts are trying to tell you. Then decide to create your own culture that suits your sensitivities, passions, values and curiosities.

8. Become comfortable with your own company. Embrace what you discover about yourself through all of life’s trials and adventures.

9. If you feel you aren’t being heard, attempt new and different ways of expressing how you’re feeling (write a blog, take photos, start painting, begin sculpting, try dancing, exercise your voice through your sartorial choices, etc). Most importantly, find a way to communicate with the world which is healthy, helpful and cathartic. By working through your thoughts and feelings, you are not suppressing yourself, thus allowing for the world to communicate with you based on how you interact with it. Often times, what it communicates is full of valuable suggestions on how to progress forward.

10. Don’t give up so quickly. Have patience. I would like to use my experience in blogging to explain why patience is something none of us should ever lose sight of. Nearly three years ago I began The Simply Luxurious Life (at that time it was only Simply Luxurious), and as I now meet fellow bloggers who are just getting started, I realize that they have just begun to realize the multitude of opportunities that await them so long as they continue with their craft even when there is no fanfare. Much like planting perennial bulbs in the fall, we won’t see or know their beauty until nearly six months later in the spring when we’ve forgotten about the time spent in the yard digging, spacing and kneeling to place them precisely where we want them to spring up. So continue to spread your wings, soak up all that life presents to you even if it doesn’t make sense at the time and trust that your continued efforts to live your best life on a daily basis are already paying off and will one day build to create an amazing legacy.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”  ~Henry David Thoreau

Thanks to the folks at Simply Luxurious for sharing their lovely ideas on living – be sure and stop by to visit them!

Madonna by Rankin

PONDER WITH ME THE IDEA OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

“To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.” 
~ Madonna

Opening ourselves up to love, gives us opportunities to learn and expand our awareness in ways we wouldn’t have thought possible. Yet we build walls because love can be misunderstood, misplaced and misdirected… and sometimes, it can be treacherous.

When you think of love, I think we can all agree that we are at first selfish in our thoughts about it.  We look for love to fill something in ourselves – something that we need, a way to satisfy our desires and make us feel good about our life, secure, and less afraid of being alone on our journey.  It makes us feel connected, part of something that will give witness to our life.  As Dr. Scott Peck taught, it is a way of becoming “one” with the Universe, and fulfill the need each of us have to return to the bliss of the womb. So, offering our love for nothing in return and with no intent but to know the heart of another, is indeed a rarity, not to mention a difficult strategy for the human psyche to sustain. 

For many years, I have been intrigued and drawn to the idea of “unconditional love” – God love.  Asking nothing in return love. Love that is likened to the depth of love we have for our children. We would do anything to promote the well being of our offspring, to nurture them and make sure they know their value and worth.  To offer a sustainable plan of nurturing in order to see that all their needs are met for survival and success – physically, spiritually and emotionally, that is our main concern. Unconditional love also represents the universal idea that there is a higher Being that adores us, a Creator that understands us to the core and is our #1 cheerleader. The idea that we are not alone, but have “someone” who is always looking out for us and who purposes our lives with powerful gifts to make us complete as human beings and to fulfill our divine destiny.

Is it even possible that we humans can give love like that – asking nothing in return? In your mind, isn’t that the truest sense of love we could aspire to? And isn’t that what we want to receive? When we open our hearts to become vulnerable to someone, it is because in that moment we want to be one with them.  We don’t care about what we want, we only want what they want.  But we all know now long that lasts!  So… how do we approach this “higher” love?  Like in Madonna’s quote above, it takes bravery. Courage, just to give.

I think it’s important to talk about this. How many of us have shut our hearts off from ever allowing ourselves to feel again because someone hurt us and broke our heart and our ego?  WE HAVE built walls so thick and high and put on soul-armor to guard our hearts – using the constant dialog of “I really don’t have time, I don’t want to be hurt again, it takes too much effort, I don’t need, or have a desire for a relationship, I don’t want another friendship, love is just too painful”. Perhaps we have grown too afraid. We can easily shut down the world of love without even knowing it. Now I understand that there are a lot of people out there that do not want to be bothered with a relationship or with the responsibility of loving someone, but deep down don’t we all want to be loved? Don’t we want to have that confidence of knowing we are accepted just for who we are – good or bad – beautiful or not – young or old?  Hmmm. We want to be loved unconditionally, consistently, and without question.  I really do believe that. Am I crazy?

Ever wonder why out of all the people you meet, you truly connect with only a few?  Or in matters of romantic love, you may meet different people, date them, have sex with them, then you will meet that “one person” that simply fits. You fall absolutely in love with some, and yet can let others pass through your life with a casual “meh”…. I think it is an amazing thing and a miracle of energy that we connect with some like we do. And of course that goes with true friendships as well. Believe me, love doesn’t come in an “acceptable” package, necessarily.  We may fall in love with a man, a woman, someone younger, older, from a different culture or belief system, I could go on and on here. That is the beauty of love, as I see it.  The heart does not discriminate against the package your love come in, it just connects to your heart.  I think it is the most beautiful gift we have been given.

Maybe it’s all coincidence [how we connect], but maybe it’s not. What if we sincerely focused on staying in awareness, let go of judgment, and seek the answer to “why is this person in my life”? I’m basically saying, let’s don’t take the people in our lives for granted, maybe they are there for a reason. Going back to romantic love, what if the “object of our desire” is not meant to be a partner or lover?  What if they are in our life for a higher purpose, or for a unique lifetime friendship? Perhaps to learn something from, give something to, or share knowledge with. Or, maybe to learn how to say NO, find our strength to overcome something we’ve been hiding, or perhaps be an influence for another generation. (Maybe I am overthinking this.) What then? Perhaps it’s just a damn mistake, we were at the wrong place at the wrong time and met the wrong person. Will we walk away from the experience, harden our heart, build a stronger wall around our emotions simply because we don’t get what we want? Relationships often come to an end because someone doesn’t get what they want. I know I am way over simplifying this. There are exceptions of course, physical and emotional abuse, violence and mental illness, addictions and narcissism, but we are not talking about that here. Love that can encounter and overcome these kinds of problems is a divine love indeed.

Unreciprocated love – you know about that. When one person really loves the other person, but the other person doesn’t click with it for all their reasons. One person feels the “chemistry” but the other one doesn’t.  WTF? But what if that person is meant to serve a purpose in our soul – perhaps an opportunity to exchange a healing particle of the god within us. If we stay aware and in the moment, we may see an opportunity to look into the heart of that individual and learn from them, or perhaps give something from ourself that they need.  Someone told me long ago that you can be in love with someone and not “have” them.  “Having” someone is a misnomer anyway.  It’s a movie fantasy and a cultural story we have been sold our entire life.  I learned a good while ago that you could never really possess someone, especially the object of your affection.  Love must be free, remain free, and flow free. In that place where love flows freely, there is divine goodness, if we can only remain open to see it.

“Get out of your head, get out of your ego, to see the good that can come from any situation, and trust that it is going to work best for your life” …somehow.  I can tell you I have been in countless circumstances where I was in total bewilderment on why and how I arrived there.  Despondent, broken and hurting, yet hanging on to love was the only option I had, and I took it.  Years later, I can see how those situations that were shit turned into great soil for me to grow as a woman (on many levels) and positively effecting my children, loved ones and family in the process. I chose love and the result has been amazing love returned through incredible relationships that have grown with me through the years.  Look at the people that remain in your life, and then ask yourself “why?” they have remained.

Today I am musing on love.  I am thinking of my own heart and it’s individual  capacity to see the heart of someone to the point of pain, feel compassion, and offer what I have of myself to make a difference in their life.  Or to the point of sheer joy, where sharing comes naturally and teaches you how to endure, grow in tolerance and offer the opportunity to give, unconditionally. Can I do it?  It is possible to be in a place of giving where we don’t want, or expect, anything back?  I believe we all have something we can give. Please understand that we don’t always get back from the person we give to, but love returns, it always does – 100 times over.  It sure is a great big canvas to fill, and I certainly don’t have it figured out, maybe never will. But i am sure of this, love heals, it soothes, and when we give it freely, it is like removing the debris from a clogged stream and allowing all that is built up to flow freely to where it is meant to go. And not just for the person receiving it, but for the giver as well.

I want to get this.  To be overwhelmed with the hearts of people, to be mindful of the tremendous pain and hurt that so many deal with – and then to care.  To embrace humanity, practice acceptance and learn forgiveness. To leave a breadcrumb of myself to make just a little bit of a difference and to become more aware of the joy it brings in the process. Love, help us all to understand each other.  Love, create in each of us the awareness of the beauty we individually possess.  Love, show us how to give.

XOXOX
Sandy

On the Honey-Stream

You have set my heart floating
on the honey-stream of your words
please be real
don’t leave me in the wake
of an amorous kiss
or fickle emotion
my love is tender
and my heart is fragile
say “yes” to my delight
open up your treasure
and let it flow
from your heart
to mine
for there is no part of me
that is not lovable
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© Sandy Hibbard