by Sandy Hibbard

I’ll never forget a pivotal conversation with my therapist, Dr. K, during a particularly challenging time after my divorce. He introduced me to the concept of the “blame game,” a behavior where, in our moments of suffering, we retreat to our primitive instincts, often pointing fingers rather than looking inward.

Ah, the blame game—an all-too-familiar dance. It’s a reflex we’ve all indulged in, consciously or not. When things go sideways, it’s so much easier to pin the blame on someone else than to face our own reflections in the mirror. But why do we do this? What propels us into this vicious cycle? More importantly, how can we step away from it?

I did a little research…

At the core of the blame game are a tangled web of emotions, insecurities, and coping mechanisms—all fueled by fear. These feelings make it tempting to deflect our pain onto others instead of facing our own vulnerabilities. It’s a natural defense, protecting our fragile egos from the sting of self-awareness.

As M. Scott Peck eloquently puts it, “What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one…Yet it is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning.” This resonates deeply because it highlights the necessity of facing our struggles head-on.

Blaming others, though, is a psychological crutch. It shields us from the discomfort of acknowledging our mistakes, keeping us in a loop of denial. We’ve all been there, stuck in that place of blame, trapped by resentment and conflict, often unknowingly passing this burden onto the next generation.

The Evolutionary Pull of Blame

This tendency, perplexing as it may seem, is rooted in our evolutionary past. Our “lizard brain”—a term describing the primitive part of our psyche—was designed for survival. This ancient part of our brain thrives on quick, instinctual reactions, such as fight or flight, to protect us from danger.

Historically, identifying threats and assigning blame could mean the difference between life and death. Our ancestors depended on these instincts to survive harsh conditions, which is why this response is so deeply embedded in us. In modern life, however, this instinct often misguides us, causing unnecessary pain and division.

Navigating Fear and Insecurities

Today, our primal instincts are often at odds with the complex realities we face. Fear and insecurity play major roles in perpetuating the blame game. When confronted with challenges, our immediate response is to seek safety rather than confront our own vulnerabilities. Fear of failure, rejection, or inadequacy can make us deflect blame to preserve our self-esteem.

Our society doesn’t make it any easier. We live in a culture that often equates success with worthiness and failure with shame. This pressure to appear perfect can drive us to hide our flaws and point fingers, all in an effort to maintain a certain image.

The Social Media Illusion

In the era of social media, the pressure to uphold a flawless persona is magnified. Platforms like Instagram and Facebook create a stage where we perform our curated lives, seeking validation in likes and comments. But behind these perfect images lies a battlefield of comparison and insecurity. We mask our true selves, fearing judgment and rejection.

This relentless quest for perfection can lead to a disconnection from our authentic selves. We fear being seen as anything less than perfect, often at the expense of our mental health and genuine connections.

Breaking Free and Embracing Authenticity

Peck wisely states, “Life is difficult…once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult.” The real challenge lies in accepting this truth and stepping beyond the blame game. It requires courage—courage to face our fears, to accept responsibility, and to embark on a journey of self-awareness and growth.

Cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and resilience can help us break free from the cycle of blame. Practices like mindfulness, therapy, and self-reflection are invaluable tools in this process. As Dr. K often reminded me, the key to a fulfilled life is a “strong will and a grateful heart.”

While the blame game may have served us in our evolutionary past, it no longer defines our potential. By embracing our higher reasoning and emotional intelligence, we can transcend our primal instincts. This journey isn’t easy, but the rewards—inner peace, genuine connections, and personal growth—are immeasurable.

So, let’s choose courage over comfort. Let’s step away from the blame game and embrace a life of authenticity and understanding. It starts with acknowledging that life is hard, but in doing so, we open ourselves to the beauty and meaning that come from truly living.

We have so much more courage, strength and passion in us than we think we do.  I was reminded recently of an experience from a colleague about how much stamina it takes to live this life and “run this race”.  In a allegorical sense, we are on a 50-mile marathon in this life.  It is hard enough to do a 26-mile marathon, but really, 50 miles?!  So this guy sends tells me how he literally had just finished a 50-mile marathon and during his experience he noticed two huge things: #1 – it was a hell of a lot harder than he ever imagined it would be; and #2 – he had a lot more stamina than he ever imagined possible.  This reminds me of our lives.  We are all running that marathon of life and sometimes we get so exhausted and sore that we just want to sit down, give up, silently saying and sometimes crying loudly “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!”

My tree “Lacey” bent over by the ice.

I remember about six years ago we had a horrible ice storm, we lost power and were literally unable to get out and about for a couple of days (this is very uncommon here in Texas).  When I went out to survey the damage around my house (I literally had to break the ice away from the back door), I looked outside and noticed my little tree “Lacey” was having a crisis (see my blog post about Lacey and growing strong). She had been going through a difficult time that winter.  It was only earlier that fall that I planted her outdoors in my garden – she was trying to grow from a houseplant to a real tree for the first time.  When I looked outside at Lacey, in horror I saw that this little spindly baby-tree was bent all the way over at her slender trunk and submerged in the water of my hot tub! The heavy weight of the ice on her delicate face of leaves had been more than she could handle.  The next two mornings when I awoke I would immediately go out to check on the little tree. Each day she seemed to pull herself up a little until finally, on the third morning when the air was warmer and the ice had began to thaw, there she was, standing upright again!

My point is this: life is like running a marathon and we are like a runner who, against all odds and sometimes facing a race that is harder than imagined, finds more strength and stamina than he knew. Just when he thought he couldn’t run another step, he pulls from within himself the will and determination to get across the finish line.

Many of us are like Lacey, who struggled against the weightiness of the ice on her leaves that eventually bent her over to a near breaking point. Yet when the ice began to thaw, she stood up again, not broken, not shattered or split, but standing tall.

There is so much inside each of us. We have an endless supply of passion, pain, love, hope, ambition, desire – the full range of the human spirit. Even though life sometimes seems disappointing and harder than you ever imagined it to be, remember, like the marathoner, you possess more than you ever thought possible.  When you are set on a destination and you engage your strong will, nothing can stop you.  So, during this winter, think about the little trees outside and what they go through to stand tall, the seasons of change they endure, yet life always comes back to a healthy tree.

Be encouraged today.  I am thinking about you and sending much love and many hugs and wishes for your continued growth in this life, and I pray that you are wishing it for me as well, for it is also my goal.

Love and hugs,
Sandy

Article first published in 2014 on SaturdaySoul.com.

I feel grateful today

As I sit here on this beautiful morning in Salt Lake City, working outdoors, fountains spraying a gentle cooling mist into the air, and nice music playing lightly in the background, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. I think most of us are pretty lucky; in that we have a roof over our head, a job we love (or at least some income or support), and a beautiful group of people around us who truly care and love us. We are very fortunate to live in a place where there is beauty and convenience all around, I mean just look! Places you can go and sit and work, without being bothered, all the luxuries, and more than we really need.  I have to agree with Michelle Obama who said “America really is the greatest country in the world“.
I just wanted to share a quick note to encourage you today to think on the good in your life. Its an old way of thinking you guys, but one that holds great truth – Count your blessings!
There’s nothing really complicated or super smart about learning to be happy and having soul success – it is simply maintaining and practicing a grateful heart and being centered on good. Strengthen your will to follow your dreams. GIVE more than you take, and BLOOM.

Knowing when to UNPLUG from all this Sh*t

It’s all too easy to get caught up in the media noise and rhetoric that can easily divide and destroy the love between us. Learn when it’s time to SHUT IT OFF. Listen to your thoughts and feel your emotions. When they get to a point of anger and anxiety, it’s time to UNPLUG and focus on the good that is NOW.
Please make it a beautiful day, AND, I want to thank each of you for taking the time to embrace and accept my heart and read my words.
Love and hugs! XOXOX

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Storms can blow up in your mind, but don’t worry, the weather always changes

Arhhh!  That soulish nature in us can certainly be a pain.  You know how you can get a thought under your skin so that it turns from being an innocent reflection to a destructive force that begins to color all your actions and level of confidence?  I do.  I’ve been there.  So I am here today to remind us to beware of destructive mind storms.  A mind storm starts from a negative state of mind, and when we nourish it will begin to manifest itself into reality.  Once it settles into our consciousness it can blow up one hell of a mind storm.  When that storm comes, don’t give it too much attention. Focus on what is at hand to do and don’t follow the negative spiral.  Like I have said before “change one thing to a positive and everything else will follow“.  The storm will blow away, just like the weather changes, it will change if you don’t give it fuel to keep burning.

The article below explains how mind hinderances lead to mind states lead to mind storms.  Put into Sandy’s simple terms, I think the key here is to focus on the good – love, peace and patience – and leave the yucky thoughts alone, they will pass.  Believe me, I understand that this is easier said than done, but we can do this!

Mind Hinderances
We know these and often talk of them as neediness, anger, low self-esteem, low energy, fear, and demoralization. As normal occasionally encountered experiences, they can make life problematic, but these hindrances can intensify into something more lasting. If they do so they may change from being “Mind Hindrances” to “Mind States.”

Mind States
A “Mind State” is a hindrance that is not transient. It comes to stay. A Mind State becomes a habitual outlook and response pattern. All life experiences are filtered through the Mind State. The Mind State of lust looks at everything through the lens of neediness and desire. Something is missing and life is not satisfactory. The angry Mind State is always on the verge of irritation and frustration and fills the air with tension. Habitual lethargy robs life of the energy required for day to day tasks and leaves none left over for new adventures. The Mind State of Doubt creates an insecure world while the fearful mind spreads anxiety into all areas of life.

Mind States are difficult to live with because they make life more fretful or tedious than needed. They become the lenses though which we view our life. A Mind State is hard to recognize and harder still to give up. It seems to be the reality.

Mind Storms
The real danger of Mind States, however, is that they can suddenly swirl up into “Mind Storms.” A Mind Storm is a Mind State out of control. Mind Storms blow in due to some real or imagined occurrence and can wreak havoc while present. Comments are made and actions are taken that are later regretted. With a Mind Storm in control clear vision is lost and judgement is clouded. Just as the storms of weather come and go, so do the storms of the “Mind.” They blow in and they blow out again and then the damage must be surveyed.

Mind Storms always give warning signs. These “storms” initially show up in that little voice of conscience that talks to us. You might recognize the voice of conscience as that positive voice that says, “Gee, you look good.” And, “That was a terrific job.” Or, in its negative tones, when it says, “That was really stupid. How could you be so dumb?” In a Mind Storm the voice is usually negative, critical, or irrational in its comments.  This little voice of self-talk can talk us into some bad spots. The challenge of Mind Storms is to learn to watch them come and go but not to react by feeding them more energy through negative thinking and impulsive deeds. We need to observe the little voice while not necessarily responding too seriously to it.

→ Remember the blog post I wrote on engaging the “noticer” when learning where to put the pain of our past?  You may want to read that in relation to observing Mind Storms.

Knowing all about Mind Hindrances, Mind States, and Mind Storms and being aware of the importance of attitude on daily life is no guarantee of protection. Given the right conditions a Mind Storm thunders in and takes over before you know it. Once present it is difficult to recognize.

Mind States come and go. Sometimes a Mind State turns into a Storm. The challenge of mindfulness is to catch the storm early and stop it. If you can’t stop it then just let it blow itself out. Don’t get caught up in it. Don’t act it out.

When a Mind Storm blows in you may think it is about one thing when it usually is about many things. You might think that it is there because of bad decisions or bad luck, when it could  be a chance to learn patience, or giving love.  Don’t miss the opportunity to learn from the situation because you overreact or make a hasty decision based on what you are feeling in that moment.

Mind Storms are hard to recognize when they are present. They seem to be the reality. In reality they are the illusion. So, watch the horizon of your mind. Look for the warning signs of a change in the weather. If storms do appear, just let them pass.

Remember the weather always changes.
Inspired by Mind Storms at Lessons4living.com

“You are responsible for all of your experiences of life.”

Kind of a tricky but true statement isn’t it? The trick is that it does not say “in life” but “of life.” You are not responsible for everything that happens to you, but you are responsible for how you react to what does happen to you – that part is our choice.    The formula then in life is this:  ” life ACTS, and I (we, you) REACT”.  
Our reaction is under our control. In any life situation you are responsible for at least one thing: How you react. You will always be responsible for the attitude towards the situation that you find yourself in. Your attitude is your reaction to what life hands you and it can either be more positive or more negative – it is under your control and can be changed. With the right attitude you can be a resilient person.
Everyday, I try to keep my focus on having the attitude that will bring me success in every way – financially, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Here is my tip to you on choosing the best attitude:  Choose to have a grateful heart for all that you have and have been given.  Choose to have a strong will, a strong will to live, love, laugh, give, and overcome adversity, no matter what.  Focus on having a grateful heart and a strong will and let it shape a more positive attitude about your experiences OF life.
Love and Peace!
Sandy