authenticity – Saturday Soul with Sandy Hibbard https://saturdaysoul.com Laughter, Dreams, Love, Desire Thu, 01 Aug 2024 21:22:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.8.3 156607037 The Blame Game https://saturdaysoul.com/the-blame-game/ https://saturdaysoul.com/the-blame-game/#respond Thu, 01 Aug 2024 21:22:14 +0000 https://saturdaysoul.com/?p=10719 […]]]> Unraveling the Blame Game: A Journey of Courage and Self-Discovery

by Sandy Hibbard

 

I’ll never forget a pivotal conversation with my therapist, Dr. K, during a particularly challenging time after my divorce. He introduced me to the concept of the “blame game,” a behavior where, in our moments of suffering, we retreat to our primitive instincts, often pointing fingers rather than looking inward.

Ah, the blame game—an all-too-familiar dance. It’s a reflex we’ve all indulged in, consciously or not. When things go sideways, it’s so much easier to pin the blame on someone else than to face our own reflections in the mirror. But why do we do this? What propels us into this vicious cycle? More importantly, how can we step away from it?

I did a little research…

At the core of the blame game are a tangled web of emotions, insecurities, and coping mechanisms—all fueled by fear. These feelings make it tempting to deflect our pain onto others instead of facing our own vulnerabilities. It’s a natural defense, protecting our fragile egos from the sting of self-awareness.

As M. Scott Peck eloquently puts it, “What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one…Yet it is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning.” This resonates deeply because it highlights the necessity of facing our struggles head-on.

Blaming others, though, is a psychological crutch. It shields us from the discomfort of acknowledging our mistakes, keeping us in a loop of denial. We’ve all been there, stuck in that place of blame, trapped by resentment and conflict, often unknowingly passing this burden onto the next generation.

The Evolutionary Pull of Blame

This tendency, perplexing as it may seem, is rooted in our evolutionary past. Our “lizard brain”—a term describing the primitive part of our psyche—was designed for survival. This ancient part of our brain thrives on quick, instinctual reactions, such as fight or flight, to protect us from danger.

Historically, identifying threats and assigning blame could mean the difference between life and death. Our ancestors depended on these instincts to survive harsh conditions, which is why this response is so deeply embedded in us. In modern life, however, this instinct often misguides us, causing unnecessary pain and division.

Navigating Fear and Insecurities

Today, our primal instincts are often at odds with the complex realities we face. Fear and insecurity play major roles in perpetuating the blame game. When confronted with challenges, our immediate response is to seek safety rather than confront our own vulnerabilities. Fear of failure, rejection, or inadequacy can make us deflect blame to preserve our self-esteem.

Our society doesn’t make it any easier. We live in a culture that often equates success with worthiness and failure with shame. This pressure to appear perfect can drive us to hide our flaws and point fingers, all in an effort to maintain a certain image.

The Social Media Illusion

In the era of social media, the pressure to uphold a flawless persona is magnified. Platforms like Instagram and Facebook create a stage where we perform our curated lives, seeking validation in likes and comments. But behind these perfect images lies a battlefield of comparison and insecurity. We mask our true selves, fearing judgment and rejection.

This relentless quest for perfection can lead to a disconnection from our authentic selves. We fear being seen as anything less than perfect, often at the expense of our mental health and genuine connections.

Breaking Free and Embracing Authenticity

Peck wisely states, “Life is difficult…once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult.” The real challenge lies in accepting this truth and stepping beyond the blame game. It requires courage—courage to face our fears, to accept responsibility, and to embark on a journey of self-awareness and growth.

Cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and resilience can help us break free from the cycle of blame. Practices like mindfulness, therapy, and self-reflection are invaluable tools in this process. As Dr. K often reminded me, the key to a fulfilled life is a “strong will and a grateful heart.”

While the blame game may have served us in our evolutionary past, it no longer defines our potential. By embracing our higher reasoning and emotional intelligence, we can transcend our primal instincts. This journey isn’t easy, but the rewards—inner peace, genuine connections, and personal growth—are immeasurable.

So, let’s choose courage over comfort. Let’s step away from the blame game and embrace a life of authenticity and understanding. It starts with acknowledging that life is hard, but in doing so, we open ourselves to the beauty and meaning that come from truly living.

 

 

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/the-blame-game/feed/ 0 10719 Finding My Voice: A Journey of Liberation in Love https://saturdaysoul.com/finding-my-voice/ https://saturdaysoul.com/finding-my-voice/#respond Mon, 15 Jan 2024 19:10:32 +0000 https://saturdaysoul.com/?p=9913 […]]]> Finding My Voice: A Journey of Liberation in Love

In the vast tapestry of relationships, many women find themselves woven into a silent corner, muted by societal expectations and generations of conditioning. Today, women are different (it seems that way), our world has changed, and the expectations of us have changed. Or have they? It takes a profound metamorphosis to learn to speak your truth if you have had a lifetime of being taught to defer to men (or others), or have not been allowed to express freely.

Unraveling the Threads of Silence

For too long, countless women have navigated this life by silencing their voices, their dreams, and their desires in the name of tradition or perceived societal norms. The statistics are telling — a staggering number of women have faced the debilitating grip of silence in relationships. But how can it be possible to accurately measure that number?

In one study, researchers followed nearly 4,000 people in Framingham, Massachusetts over 10 years. They found that “women who didn’t express themselves when they had fights with their spouses were four times more likely to die than those who did.” This was true even when factors such as age, blood pressure, smoking, and levels of cholesterol were taken into account.

In the late 1980s, Harvard-trained psychologist Dana Jack identified a recurring theme among female patients suffering from depression: a tendency to self-silence, defined as “the propensity to engage in compulsive caretaking, pleasing the other, and inhibition of self-expression in relationships in an attempt to achieve intimacy and meet relational needs.” Through research, Jack found that this learned behavior, strongly rooted in gender norms, was linked to an increased risk of depression.

Since then, considerable evidence has revealed that female self-silencing isn’t just tied to psychological issues like depression and eating disorders, but also to physical illness.

*Source https://time.com/6319549/silencing-women-sick-essay/

Self-Silencing

When women push their feelings down and cast their needs aside, their health suffers. But it can be difficult for women to do otherwise in a culture that celebrates these *self-silencing practices. While young women are praised for “being chill,” moms are revered for being painstakingly altruistic to the point of self-abnegation. These unspoken standards establish a vicious cycle. For many women, it feels easier—beneficial, even—to silence their needs at the expense of their own health, rather than swim against the prevailing cultural current.

*Self Silencing theory is based on a study of clinically depressed women’s descriptions of their experiences, including their understanding of what led up to their depression.  The women detailed how they began to silence or suppress certain thoughts, feelings, and actions that they thought would contradict their partner’s wishes. They did so to avoid conflict, to maintain a relationship, and/or to ensure their psychological or physical safety. They described how silencing their voices led to a loss of self and a sense of being lost in their lives. They also conveyed their shame, desperation, and anger over feelings of entrapment and self-betrayal.

*Source https://blog.oup.com/2010/03/silencing-the-self/

The Struggle: An Intimate Affair

The struggle to break free from this “self-silencing” is, for many, an intimate affair — a battle waged within the confines of one’s own heart and mind. It’s a journey through self-discovery, a realization that our voices are not only valid, but essential to any relationship and to our own health. Many times it is necessary to take this personal battle to a therapist who can help to carefully unravel the threads with compassion and understanding.

My Own Struggle with Self-Silencing

After decades of deferring and silencing, and dealing with depression, I had to consciously become aware and practice finding my own voice.

As a young girl, teenager, and young adult, I followed a silent code I had made when I was very young “I will learn to keep my mouth shut and that way I will avoid fighting and conflict”. I learned that model at home, followed it closely and I was successful. I could avoid the bad stuff. I could be an “observer”, I didn’t have to participate.

Old Outdated Maps

I took this model into my first marriage and my young adult life. It was easier to just go along and not stir the waters. Of course, this only led to surface level relationships, more depression, and the eventual dismantling of my marriage.

No matter how hard I tried, I was still not able to avoid conflict, yet I was lost and overpowered without the strength of my own confident voice and mind. I have often told my kids, “I had to learn how to think for myself and have my own opinion”. Not an easy task! It has taken most of my life to do that and I still have to work on it. Conditioning is powerful.

Getting Outside Help

After years of therapy with a wonderful doctor that I completely trusted, I was able to see and understand the hitch I had made with myself and began to rewrite my map. I had to learn how to standup for myself when necessary, accept the bad things, and act from my own mind even when it felt unsure, scary and uncomfortable. I was able to draft my own internal mission and mantra for my life, rewrite my spiritual beliefs without fear, and move shamelessly back into love.

This is the Reward

Even after being made aware of my own self-silencing, I still failed, many times. Another lost marriage, a dear friendship gone down the drain, more failed love interests, business deals gone bad, and struggles financially. Yet, isn’t this the essence of life? I’ve embraced it, experiencing every twist and turn on my own terms and in my own voice. Today, I can openly share my story with unwavering authenticity, free from fear, or how I “should be”. This, to me, is the ultimate reward.

Shattering the Chains: Embracing Empowerment

The journey of finding one’s voice is not a sprint but a marathon (understatement!!), often marked by moments of courage and self-reflection. It’s about reclaiming power, rewriting narratives, starting new habits, and embracing the beauty of authentic self-expression. This doesn’t happen overnight. And consistency in our self-talk is so important.

We Are Beacons of Change

“A voice gives your opinions a platform, and gifts you with the opportunity to have perspective and knowledge on things that matter. No two voices are the same, each voice has something different to say. And in a world that needs to represent freedom and democracy, a voice is a powerful symbol of this.” ~ The U.S. Surgeon General

According to studies on self-silencing and having your own voice, women who actively communicate their needs and desires in relationships report higher levels of satisfaction and fulfillment. This underscores the importance of breaking free from the shackles of silence and embracing open communication.

When you speak up, it is not always going to be a positive experience. In fact, your worst fears may come true…

*People may laugh at you, ignore you, or maybe even attack you for something you say. When this happens, it is easy to become discouraged and slip back into censorship or self-silencing. Building resilience empowers you to push through negative emotions, reclaim your voice, and stay committed to using and honoring your voice.

Building resilience when things don’t go the way you want can look like this:

      • Practicing self-compassion through positive self-talk
      • Self-validating
      • Normalizing rejection and not taking it too personally
      • Finding safe spaces and people who value your voice for additional support/validation
      • Reframing your perspective to elicit a more positive feeling
      • Hold empathy for the other people involved that their response may not be about you but instead something that they are experiencing

*Source https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/2022/05/26/reclaim-your-voice/

For building resilience, I also found that practicing the “Four Agreements” was highly effective for me along my journey:

      1. Be impeccable with your words
      2. Don’t take things personally
      3. Never make assumptions
      4. Always do your best

Embracing the Power Within

As we navigate the path to finding our voices, it’s crucial to recognize the power that resides within us. Each word uttered, every desire expressed, contributes to experiencing a healthy relationship – it is your creative power! This is why professional help is sometimes necessary to help you move from self-silencing (the old map) to a powerful and creative voice (the new map). You must learn to love and respect yourself first. From that foundation, you can learn your voice clearly and compassionately. Understanding and acceptance is the key to our own personal success in discovering our true authentic voice.

Nurturing Transformation: A Call to Action

The journey to finding your voice is a personal one, unique as your heartbeat. It’s about recognizing the patterns, understanding the roots, and compassionately putting those things into their historical past. Only then can you coax the buds of self-expression to bloom. Make these things a practice:

1. Reflect: Take a moment to reflect on your own journey. What patterns of silence do you recognize, and how have they shaped your relationships?

2. Communicate: Engage in open conversations with your partner, friend, or loved one. Share your desires, dreams, and fears. Find a space wherein you can be free to be yourself without condemnation or judgement. Let your voice weave into the intricate dance of connection.

3. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, support groups, or professionals who can provide guidance and understanding on your journey.

A Symphony of Voices: The Future of Love

As we navigate the labyrinth of relationships, let us envision a future where every voice is heard, cherished, and celebrated. The journey to finding our voices is not just a personal triumph; it’s a collective revolution that transforms the landscape of love. It will change the world. No longer judged by social norms or conditions, but we will be accepted for our wisdom, our love, compassion, and the joy we bring to others.

That is my mission for SaturdaySoul.com, to offer a space where stories intertwine, where voices echo, and where understanding illuminates our paths to self-discovery and liberation. Together, let’s break the chains of silence and create a symphony of voices that resonate with the power of authenticity and love.

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/finding-my-voice/feed/ 0 9913 A Little Mojo – YOU Rock! Here's Why https://saturdaysoul.com/monday-mojo-you-rock-heres-why/ https://saturdaysoul.com/monday-mojo-you-rock-heres-why/#respond Mon, 20 Jul 2015 15:59:36 +0000 https://saturdaysoul.wordpress.com/?p=1859 […]]]> “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.
Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.“
~ Helen Keller

you rock at #saturdaysoul with #amyschumer

YOU are amazing – You rock! Here’s why:

1. You have never given up on the areas that are most important to you. You have persistence.

2. You see the big picture in your life and go for what is most personally rewarding and meaningful.
3. You have learned to turn your lemons into lemonade, creating assets where there could have been deficits.
4. You provide personal support to your best friends, and go the extra distance when they need you.
5. You struggle with the tough issues in life and do your level best to make the right decisions.

You are awesome because you are aware, you care, you give, you do your best, you push forward, you don’t take it lying down!

Big hug and lots of love in this beautiful day – take this mojo and spread it around…

XOXO
Sandy

Taken from Seth Kahan VisionaryLeadership.com

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/monday-mojo-you-rock-heres-why/feed/ 0 1859 A New Measure of Success https://saturdaysoul.com/a-new-measure-of-success/ https://saturdaysoul.com/a-new-measure-of-success/#respond Thu, 23 Apr 2015 16:40:09 +0000 https://saturdaysoul.wordpress.com/?p=1765 […]]]>
Day at Market by LisaKristine.com at #saturdaysoul

Must we quantify success?

Fine.
I get it.
We’re a society in love with numbers.
I don’t hate math.
But if we must keep some sort of count,
To wrap our human minds around value,
Let us not do it in hours of work,
Dollars in the bank,
The weight of jewelry that exists only to say,
“Look, I’ve done the things,
To buy the things, so I can be the things”
Success?
If we so need tangibles
Physical, quantifiable evidence
Of a life lived well,
Let us keep count in eye crinkles.
Yes, eye crinkles. 
Lets measure the depth and length,
Of those smile lines that have become fixed
In the corner of our eyes.
Lets count the number of moments
We’ve worn joy on our faces.

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/a-new-measure-of-success/feed/ 0 1765 The Art of Smoke and Mirrors https://saturdaysoul.com/the-art-of-smoke-and-mirrors/ https://saturdaysoul.com/the-art-of-smoke-and-mirrors/#respond Tue, 31 Mar 2015 07:40:02 +0000 http://saturdaysoul.wordpress.com/?p=46 […]]]> Smoke and mirrors

The Art of Smoke and Mirrors

I am reminded of a trip I took a few years ago to see my big sis who was living in Nashville at the time.  We started the day walking through the village, getting a cup of java and sitting outside to watch the people pass in a misty, drizzly rain.  My brother flew in to meet us from Park City and my little niece was also there. It was a wonderful time with some of the most real people I know, people who have lived life, been to hell and back, and are coherent enough to tell about it!  I realize today that the journey we have all been on has brought us each to a place of NOT knowing!  Funny for a bunch of preacher’s kids who use to have all the answers down pat!  Here’s my recollection of and the inspiration received from that trip…

In our conversations on the patio late (until 3 am), after having enjoyed a night out with friends at Whitfield’s Bar singing (as we always do) around the piano and entertaining our entourage, we discussed the changes we see in our culture and what I will hopefully admit is an emergence of more tolerance for all people.  Less judgment, more freedom, thinking freely and more confidently about God and our place in all of this.  Scary to many, and a reality for a few.   I like what I am seeing, although i know it is upsetting the status quo.  I like the idea where we can accept each other without judgment, knowing that we are all just human beings trying to live and love and be happy in this life.  This brings me to my title:  The art of smoke and mirrors!
As a musician/singer/performer and  growing  up as a preacher’s daughter in the mid-west, I can talk to you as an expert about smoke and mirrors.  Not the kind David Copperfield may use, but the smoke and mirrors that are all too familiar in our daily lives.   The kind that fool the simplest of us, that can take away our faith.
The art of smoke and mirrors as I see it is sometimes deliberate, sometimes carefully crafted, and sometimes the result of our own insecurity.  An old friend of mine who has a band is a good example.  Although she is really not a good singer, she knows the art of smoke and mirrors and uses it when on stage.  She will draw your attention away from her voice with her movements, the guitar and loud sound of the band, the lights, the stage, the show.  You will be awed when you see her, but you will really never HEAR her.  She knows how to work the smoke and mirrors.   Sound familiar?  What about the preacher/evangelist who wows you with their passion and emotion, but when you really listen to what they are saying, it is empty rhetoric and lacking in real knowledge.  Then there is the marketer who just hounds you to death through stupid emails and marketing jargon, telling you how big you can win if you buy their product, but they never really share any knowledge .  Smoke and mirrors.  It has worked for centuries in business and in the entertainment industry.  Sad though, because like my singer friend, it leaves the person behind the mirror empty, and unfulfilled, lost without a confidence of any kind.
Now, let’s turn the table.  What about the singer/performer who is aligned with himself, practiced, passionate, skilled and REAL in his performance.  After their performance, you walk away with a memory and a moment in your life that has brought change and magic.  The speaker who changes your life with truth you can take home with you and passion you can align yourself to in the real world.  Then there is the teacher who is not fooling her students with generic, canned generalities (smoke and mirrors), but sharing her heart, her knowledge, connecting and changing lives in the process.
What I am talking about friends, is being real.  Being humble, accepting and loving, passionate and committed.  Embracing the gifts in you and crafting them so that they become real.  Like the Velveteen Rabbit, many of us have to have all our hair rubbed off in life to become real, to accept the fact that we are who we are and cannot be anyone else.  In my sisters bath room she has a sign on the wall  that says “She decided to be herself since everyone else had already been taken”.  I like that.
Maybe the Art of Smoke and Mirrors works well for some people, they can get by. But for me, when it comes down to it, in this life, we have one pass, one opportunity to be real, to reach in and grab all we can get to experience the beauty and adventure of every moment.  One breathing life to love the people in our lives, to effect change in people by sharing who we are.  I do NOT want to miss that.  I do not want to wake up and realize that what I had been after wasn’t real at all, or that what was BEHIND the smoke and mirrors was really a hell of a lot better!

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/the-art-of-smoke-and-mirrors/feed/ 0 46 Authenticity: The Courage to Be Yourself https://saturdaysoul.com/authenticity-the-courage-to-be-yourself/ https://saturdaysoul.com/authenticity-the-courage-to-be-yourself/#respond Mon, 29 Sep 2014 15:51:46 +0000 http://saturdaysoul.wordpress.com/?p=1475 […]]]> Authenticity: The Courage to Be Yourself

 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”  ~ Brené Brown

 

Authenticity: The Courage to Be Yourself

 

I wanted to share a great blog post from the Simply Luxurious Blog – one of my favorite blogs that always speaks to my heart.  Something that is on all of our minds is learning to be comfortable with who we are.  Our own genuine authenticity is  something we aspire to, but why does it seem so difficult to so many?  Why do we bend so easily and compromise our own thoughts and feelings because we feel insecure to speak our mind?  Why is it so easy to want to be someone else, to not love and appreciate our own uniqueness?  I agree wholeheartedly that being authentic takes courage!  I hope you enjoy this post as well as I did.

Love and peace!

sandy hibbard at #saturdaysoul

Authenticity

A lofty aspiration that when we consider what it is, being true to who we are, should be something quite simple. After all, who can know who we are at our core better than ourselves?

But in fact, it is hard. In a world of doctored reality television, plastic surgery and social media pages that allow us the opportunity to only put our best selves online, when we dare to show ourselves, flaws, strengths and all, it can be daunting.

Here are just a few of the reasons many of us, including myself, find it challenging to be authentic:

  • While we know we’re not perfect, embracing and coming to terms with our weaknesses isn’t easy.
  • When we expose our weaknesses, we fear others may not have our best interests at heart and use them against us
  • Tapping into our authentic selves is a never-ending process as we are always learning something new if we are allowing ourselves the endless opportunities the world presents to progress and grow.

However, once we accept that it won’t be easy, and that we are not alone in feeling a bit unnerved by allowing our true selves to be exposed for better or for worse, the beautiful benefits are unmatched and well worth facing these fears.

So today we’re going to dive into what exactly being authentic is, define it, and share the priceless benefits available once we choose this path as the journey we wish our lives to travel upon.

Regarding the definition of authenticity. Initially it was believed that defining such an abstract concept as authenticity was impossible, but eventually psychologists Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman came to agree that it is “the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

Okay, so the we have the definition – got it . . . but how do we get there? What concrete pieces must we build in our daily lives to achieve this? Well Kernis and Goldman nailed down four concrete measurements. Let’s have a look:

 

  1. Self-awareness
    • a clear understanding of who you are, why you feel certain emotions at certain times, an understanding of your preferences for things as simple as favorite meals to something as complicated as what prompts you to feel anxiety or stress, understanding what you are passionate about and why. When we know ourselves, our abilities and tastes as well as understand our innate abilities, the skills we have built over time, as well as our weaknesses, we are self-aware.
  2. Ability to evaluate strengths and weaknesses
    • Once you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, you can effectively utilize them and/or work through them so that they don’t become your Achilles’ heel, but rather opportunities to move you forward successfully. While basic understanding of how to utilize or improve a strength or a weakness may be something you learn immediately, in other scenarios, you may want to seek guidance – whether it be from a family member, therapist or expert whose advice and guidance you respect. Other options are simply educating yourself – reading a variety of books, taking courses, journaling to make sense of what you are actually feeling, etc.
    • When you know how to tap into and make the most of your gifts, as well as work through your weaknesses, improving them, you take control of your life.
  3. Taking action in alignment with your values and needs
    • Upon understanding yourself, you can more clearly discern what you can and cannot compromise on. Decision making will become much easier as each scenario of options presents itself. Saying “no” will come without hesitation or be followed by guilt, and “yes” will come more freely and excitedly.
  4. Developing healthy relationships
    • In order to have healthy relationships, you must be willing to be authentic. And in order to present your true self to those you are building relationships with, you must be vulnerable. Because it is when you are vulnerable that you discover who will recognize and thoughtfully appreciate your vulnerability, and respond in kind, which allows the relationship to grow. It is with vulnerability, being open and honest, as Brené Brown reminds us in Daring Greatly, that can build strong, intimate relationships.

Benefits of Being Authentic:

When we talk about investing in authenticity, the benefits far outweigh the initial trepidation. Overall, it is the quality of your life that will improve, and isn’t that the basic premise for trying to reform anything in our lives?

1. Avoid Second-Guessing
When you know that the decisions you are making are in alignment with your values and needs, you don’t have to think twice about it. While there may be others observing your decisions who are uncertain of why you’ve chosen a particular direction which may be understandable. After all, they don’t know everything that you hold dear. However, you will move forward with confidence knowing it is indeed your best move. And when you let go of the second-guessing, you set yourself free. Free from unnecessary worry, angst and stress.

2. Letting Go of What Others Think
Brené Brown reminds us that, “If you feel good about the life path you are following, you will have no interest to judge others choices.” And so when we look at this quote from both perspectives, the doer sets herself free, and the judger has revealed their cards. Those who judge are often either consciously or subconsciously frustrated with the life path they are, so it is in their judgment of us that they reveal their own truths.

And while we don’t need to mope or feel sorry for them, we can have compassion and understanding because most of us at some point in our lives will have find ourselves not quite where we want to be. And if we look at others’ judgment in this light, it no longer has to hold us back.

3. Build Trust and Respect in Relationships
“Vulnerability is what breeds opportunity.” In order to connect with others we must be able to share ourselves. Now by no means does this require that you reveal all. In fact, I would advise against such a revelation, but little by little you give and see if they give. You give again if they followed in kind and so on and so forth. And it’s a process. It takes time. But in that process is where that trust is built. It’s where that respect begins to grow.

4. Boosts Confidence
Putting ourselves out there, sharing what we are passionate about, as discussed in great length in The Simple Sophisticate‘s fifth podcast, can reap many rewards, but one of which is a boost to our confidence. Regardless of the response from others, we show ourselves that we can do something we initially thought we could not, and that is cataloged in our memory to draw upon in the next instance in which we doubt ourselves.

And while we are the beneficiaries of this boost, we also provide a benefit to others. How? While there will be an array of feedback – praise and critiques – often it is in simply taking this risk that you draw applause from those who have traveled your path and know the difficulty as well as those who hope to someday do what you’ve done. And so by finding the courage to be authentic, you not only enjoy the benefits but you help others along their journey as well.

5. Reach Your Full Potential
At the core for nearly all of us, we are trying to figure out our gifts, our path, what we can do that makes us unique or special. Guess what? The only way to discover this is to be authentic. I know you’re not surprised by this, but in choosing such a path, we are choosing uncertainty, and understandably, that is what holds us back at times. Fight through this. The treasure of your full potential is your reward.

6. Improve Your Mental Health
Once we let go of what others’ think as well as the bad habit of second-guessing ourselves, we let go of unnecessary stress and anxiety. Once we refuse to over-analyze, we aren’t bringing into our daily lives stress that can gradually erode our health. Instead, our peace-of-mind grows and effectively our health improves as well. Consequentially, our productivity and the quality of our lives improves, which was the initial goal from the get-go.

The tricky part is that we must find within each one of us the courage to present ourselves to the world. We must make the first step. Opportunity, or life, won’t tell us what it will grant us if we follow such a path, and while that may be frustrating initially, keep in mind Amy Poehler’s quote, “You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.”

So if we want the success, the contentment, the happiness that we seek, we must muster up the necessary courage do what comes naturally, being ourselves.

 

Read more at the Simply Luxurious Blog.

]]> https://saturdaysoul.com/authenticity-the-courage-to-be-yourself/feed/ 0 1475 Live Authentic https://saturdaysoul.com/live-authentic/ https://saturdaysoul.com/live-authentic/#respond Tue, 20 May 2014 22:52:54 +0000 http://saturdaysoul.wordpress.com/?p=1404 […]]]> live authentic new blog post at Saturdaysoul.com

Live Authentic

Here is an inspiring story, inspired by Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, that I wanted to share.  How many times have we found ourselves living a lie?  Just a little lie?  Sometimes it is harder to be real and be who we are than it is to be who we think he {she-they-them} want us to be.  Let’s learn a lesson here.  Love and peace. Sandy

No Blue Jasmine — Not My Story

Article by Kristen Noel at http://kristennoel.com

kate blanchett blue jasmine at saturdaysoul.com

Is that it? At the end of the film Blue Jasmine, Woody Allen leaves his beautiful heroine Jasmine (played by the exquisite Cate Blanchette, currently Oscar nominated for this performance) sitting on a park bench talking to herself with nowhere left to go. Come on, any New York City broad decked in Chanel, armed with a coveted Hermes bag and enough chutzpah to pick up the phone and turn her husband in to authorities, exposing him as a crooked financier, wouldn’t end up in a Xanax-induced fog… loss of opulent life or not. Is this the redemptive ending we really want? Are we so willing to relinquish our belief in happy-ever-afters? Or does this scenario fulfill some voyeuristic satisfaction as we sit smugly with a bird’s eye view watching another’s pitiful fall from grace? We want better than that. Where is our rainbow at the end of the storm?

Eleven years after my then husband became the pre-Madoff poster child for Wall Street behavior gone bad, Woody Allen is exploiting a theme of financial hoodwinking that has unfortunately now become so commonplace, we no longer bat an eye. But when my world came crashing down in 2003, it was trailblazing and the media was salivating.

With one signature by a federal judge, our luxury house of cards came tumbling down. I lost everything — my husband (in handcuffs), my home, my money, my friends and my perceived “perfect life.” With a toddler in tow, I didn’t have the extravagance (or wherewithal) to sit idly on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. No Blue Jasmine ending for me.

In Allen’s film, Jasmine is portrayed as the affluent damsel in distress who goes on to repeat the same unfortunate patterns in between pill popping, gulps of vodka and chronic complaining — claiming no accountability for the part she played in arriving at this moment. The question isn’t really whether she knew about her husband’s shenanigans, but rather why had she picked Hal (the film’s resident villain) in the first place? Why had she attracted this into her life and what purpose could it serve in the bigger picture? Jasmine remains firmly entrenched in her victim-boots complaining about how she is broke one minute, yet continuing to fly first class the next, dragging around her collection of monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage — the last vestiges of her previous life. Forced to seek refuge in the ordinariness of her sister’s apartment in San Francisco, she callously remarks how she didn’t know how anyone could breathe with low ceilings. We want to root for the home team underdog, yet Jasmine continues to lie to herself and others as she goes on to seek solace in another ill-fated relationship with a wealthy businessman under totally false pretenses. Watching from the sidelines, we want to reach through the screen and grab her by the arm, shake her and plead, “NOOOOO… don’t go down that path again.” She appears momentarily euphoric as if to say, trust me darling, it will all be ok. If only she had taken a good look in the mirror. While we would love to believe her, we sigh knowing it will only be more of the same ‘ol, same ‘ol, as she looks to a man to do that which only she can. In her effort to be saved by her Prince Charming, Jasmine forgot to click her own heels (Jimmy Choos of course).

At the end of Allen’s film, Jasmine’s bright essence peters out, fading into the background as she mumbles pathetic sweet nothings to herself. Where is the paradigm shift — her come-to-Jesus, “ah-ha” moment?

Like Jasmine, we all fall. After my pity party had come to an end, I was left looking at my own reflection in the mirror asking myself, how did I contribute to it all landing here?

Wanting things to go back as they once were, is a natural first response when the you-know-what hits the fan. Who would want to face off with that when one can choose door #1 and the seduction of having a man make all their troubles melt like lemon drops. Fantasy figures aside, that strategy doesn’t work in real life or in film.

Similar to Jasmine, I too, was left talking to myself, but they were questions, not the ramblings of a beautiful mind gone south and subject to substance abuse. The way out wasn’t on the back of another man. Play it again Sam. The only way out of this sad story was to write a new beginning, no longer repeating old patterns. Though Jasmine flirted with reinvention she ultimately came up empty-handed… failing to carry through. Reinvention required too much work and a new way of thinking, not a new handbag.

First step, Jasmine — figure out what those patterns are. Step out of your martyrdom and shift from victim-speak to empowerment-speak. Instead of whining about the past and what others have done to you, focus on what you have done that attracted this mishegas into your life. Why did you marry Hal in the first place? And what are you going to do differently next time to avoid this outcome?

The reality is that a piece of Jasmine resides within each of us, but so does the counter piece — the part of us we need to tap into and reconnect with — the intestinal fortitude that prods us to pick ourselves back up. In a cynical world of so much pain and suffering, adversity and ignorance — we must celebrate the heroine within each of us (she’s there!). We owe it to ourselves and to the world around us to rise to meet our greatest potential — our greatest selves — to find our own internal happy-ever-after. It is in our control, as it always has been.

Pain is a great teacher. Like it or not, we don’t willingly shift from unconscious placation and financial self-medication without dramatic upheaval. When you fall (whether you trip or are pushed), dust yourself off, regroup and carry on. Believe in your ability to dwell in a world of possibility and renewal.

For many years, I didn’t want to share the details of my story with anyone. But when we dare to reach beyond our own travails, no matter what they may be, we open our world and create room for grace to step in. If my voice can resonate with just one woman, preventing her from walking down Jasmine’s path and instead empower her to pick herself up knowing that no matter what, she can write a new chapter… it was a story worth being told.

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