In the vast tapestry of relationships, many women find themselves woven into a silent corner, muted by societal expectations and generations of conditioning. Today, women are different (it seems that way), our world has changed, and the expectations of us have changed. Or have they? It takes a profound metamorphosis to learn to speak your truth if you have had a lifetime of being taught to defer to men (or others), or have not been allowed to express freely.

Unraveling the Threads of Silence

For too long, countless women have navigated this life by silencing their voices, their dreams, and their desires in the name of tradition or perceived societal norms. The statistics are telling — a staggering number of women have faced the debilitating grip of silence in relationships. But how can it be possible to accurately measure that number?

In one study, researchers followed nearly 4,000 people in Framingham, Massachusetts over 10 years. They found that “women who didn’t express themselves when they had fights with their spouses were four times more likely to die than those who did.” This was true even when factors such as age, blood pressure, smoking, and levels of cholesterol were taken into account.

In the late 1980s, Harvard-trained psychologist Dana Jack identified a recurring theme among female patients suffering from depression: a tendency to self-silence, defined as “the propensity to engage in compulsive caretaking, pleasing the other, and inhibition of self-expression in relationships in an attempt to achieve intimacy and meet relational needs.” Through research, Jack found that this learned behavior, strongly rooted in gender norms, was linked to an increased risk of depression.

Since then, considerable evidence has revealed that female self-silencing isn’t just tied to psychological issues like depression and eating disorders, but also to physical illness.

*Source https://time.com/6319549/silencing-women-sick-essay/

Self-Silencing

When women push their feelings down and cast their needs aside, their health suffers. But it can be difficult for women to do otherwise in a culture that celebrates these *self-silencing practices. While young women are praised for “being chill,” moms are revered for being painstakingly altruistic to the point of self-abnegation. These unspoken standards establish a vicious cycle. For many women, it feels easier—beneficial, even—to silence their needs at the expense of their own health, rather than swim against the prevailing cultural current.

*Self Silencing theory is based on a study of clinically depressed women’s descriptions of their experiences, including their understanding of what led up to their depression.  The women detailed how they began to silence or suppress certain thoughts, feelings, and actions that they thought would contradict their partner’s wishes. They did so to avoid conflict, to maintain a relationship, and/or to ensure their psychological or physical safety. They described how silencing their voices led to a loss of self and a sense of being lost in their lives. They also conveyed their shame, desperation, and anger over feelings of entrapment and self-betrayal.

*Source https://blog.oup.com/2010/03/silencing-the-self/

The Struggle: An Intimate Affair

The struggle to break free from this “self-silencing” is, for many, an intimate affair — a battle waged within the confines of one’s own heart and mind. It’s a journey through self-discovery, a realization that our voices are not only valid, but essential to any relationship and to our own health. Many times it is necessary to take this personal battle to a therapist who can help to carefully unravel the threads with compassion and understanding.

My Own Struggle with Self-Silencing

After decades of deferring and silencing, and dealing with depression, I had to consciously become aware and practice finding my own voice.

As a young girl, teenager, and young adult, I followed a silent code I had made when I was very young “I will learn to keep my mouth shut and that way I will avoid fighting and conflict”. I learned that model at home, followed it closely and I was successful. I could avoid the bad stuff. I could be an “observer”, I didn’t have to participate.

Old Outdated Maps

I took this model into my first marriage and my young adult life. It was easier to just go along and not stir the waters. Of course, this only led to surface level relationships, more depression, and the eventual dismantling of my marriage.

No matter how hard I tried, I was still not able to avoid conflict, yet I was lost and overpowered without the strength of my own confident voice and mind. I have often told my kids, “I had to learn how to think for myself and have my own opinion”. Not an easy task! It has taken most of my life to do that and I still have to work on it. Conditioning is powerful.

Getting Outside Help

After years of therapy with a wonderful doctor that I completely trusted, I was able to see and understand the hitch I had made with myself and began to rewrite my map. I had to learn how to standup for myself when necessary, accept the bad things, and act from my own mind even when it felt unsure, scary and uncomfortable. I was able to draft my own internal mission and mantra for my life, rewrite my spiritual beliefs without fear, and move shamelessly back into love.

This is the Reward

Even after being made aware of my own self-silencing, I still failed, many times. Another lost marriage, a dear friendship gone down the drain, more failed love interests, business deals gone bad, and struggles financially. Yet, isn’t this the essence of life? I’ve embraced it, experiencing every twist and turn on my own terms and in my own voice. Today, I can openly share my story with unwavering authenticity, free from fear, or how I “should be”. This, to me, is the ultimate reward.

Shattering the Chains: Embracing Empowerment

The journey of finding one’s voice is not a sprint but a marathon (understatement!!), often marked by moments of courage and self-reflection. It’s about reclaiming power, rewriting narratives, starting new habits, and embracing the beauty of authentic self-expression. This doesn’t happen overnight. And consistency in our self-talk is so important.

We Are Beacons of Change

“A voice gives your opinions a platform, and gifts you with the opportunity to have perspective and knowledge on things that matter. No two voices are the same, each voice has something different to say. And in a world that needs to represent freedom and democracy, a voice is a powerful symbol of this.” ~ The U.S. Surgeon General

According to studies on self-silencing and having your own voice, women who actively communicate their needs and desires in relationships report higher levels of satisfaction and fulfillment. This underscores the importance of breaking free from the shackles of silence and embracing open communication.

When you speak up, it is not always going to be a positive experience. In fact, your worst fears may come true…

*People may laugh at you, ignore you, or maybe even attack you for something you say. When this happens, it is easy to become discouraged and slip back into censorship or self-silencing. Building resilience empowers you to push through negative emotions, reclaim your voice, and stay committed to using and honoring your voice.

Building resilience when things don’t go the way you want can look like this:

• • • Practicing self-compassion through positive self-talk
    • Self-validating
    • Normalizing rejection and not taking it too personally
    • Finding safe spaces and people who value your voice for additional support/validation
    • Reframing your perspective to elicit a more positive feeling
    • Hold empathy for the other people involved that their response may not be about you but instead something that they are experiencing

*Source https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/2022/05/26/reclaim-your-voice/

For building resilience, I also found that practicing the “Four Agreements” was highly effective for me along my journey:

1. 1. 1. Be impeccable with your words
      2. Don’t take things personally
      3. Never make assumptions
      4. Always do your best

Embracing the Power Within

As we navigate the path to finding our voices, it’s crucial to recognize the power that resides within us. Each word uttered, every desire expressed, contributes to experiencing a healthy relationship – it is your creative power! This is why professional help is sometimes necessary to help you move from self-silencing (the old map) to a powerful and creative voice (the new map). You must learn to love and respect yourself first. From that foundation, you can learn your voice clearly and compassionately. Understanding and acceptance is the key to our own personal success in discovering our true authentic voice.

Nurturing Transformation: A Call to Action

The journey to finding your voice is a personal one, unique as your heartbeat. It’s about recognizing the patterns, understanding the roots, and compassionately putting those things into their historical past. Only then can you coax the buds of self-expression to bloom. Make these things a practice:

1. Reflect: Take a moment to reflect on your own journey. What patterns of silence do you recognize, and how have they shaped your relationships?

2. Communicate: Engage in open conversations with your partner, friend, or loved one. Share your desires, dreams, and fears. Find a space wherein you can be free to be yourself without condemnation or judgement. Let your voice weave into the intricate dance of connection.

3. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, support groups, or professionals who can provide guidance and understanding on your journey.

A Symphony of Voices: The Future of Love

As we navigate the labyrinth of relationships, let us envision a future where every voice is heard, cherished, and celebrated. The journey to finding our voices is not just a personal triumph; it’s a collective revolution that transforms the landscape of love. It will change the world. No longer judged by social norms or conditions, but we will be accepted for our wisdom, our love, compassion, and the joy we bring to others.

That is my mission for SaturdaySoul.com, to offer a space where stories intertwine, where voices echo, and where understanding illuminates our paths to self-discovery and liberation. Together, let’s break the chains of silence and create a symphony of voices that resonate with the power of authenticity and love.

― C. JoyBell C.

Learning to be comfortable with yourself and to Spread Your Wings

For someone who was married most my life and now divorced, learning to be alone and trust and know my own self and my thoughts has been a challenge at times but an adventure toward priceless self-discovery!  I believe that living the fullness of our soul is in becoming increasingly aware of ourselves and the beauty and the magic we possess!

Love and peace!
XOXO
Sandy

The fear of the unknown can be very intimidating, daunting and at times debilitating. Ultimately, today is the only moment we have any control over, no matter what our goals are, no matter what we have our sights set on. We may be able to aid the outcome or hinder it, but so much is dependent upon how we take advantage of the bounty the world has to offer us each and every day.

Whether the uncertainty you have is in relationships, your career, your longevity or anything that keeps you up at night, the key is to always make sure your wings are spread. For example, in a relationship, it is better to trust and work toward something wonderful that you may be uncertain about(a future, a life together, etc) rather than to settle for something mediocre that while certain, may not be all that fulfilling. The same can be said for your career. It is only when you take a leap, when you do something slightly different than what you’ve been doing before that progress has the chance to happen.

Here are ten ways to practice spreading your own wings:

1. Look for the opportunity in every situation. Any time you find yourself in situations that are less than desirable, choose to see the opportunity for growth. Maybe a difficult situation at work allows you to hone your negotiating skills, or perhaps a failed relationship is allowing you to learn how to be a better partner and also how to communicate more clearly what you need in a relationship and what you can compromise on. Believe it or not, there is a silver lining to everything.

2. Always be observing as well as participating. This past year I have had more new and amazing experiences than I could have predicted when 2012 began, but through each experience I tried absorb as much as possible. For example, if you are in a new environment, take in all of the surroundings, cultural traditions and behaviors.  Drink in all of the inspiration that is just waiting to be captured. While you will most certainly want to participate, you will also want to be an observer of how and why things work – what you gravitated towards and what shocked you. Take note. Who knows when these observations could come in handy one day.

3. Ask questions of those who are the experts in the fields. If you are in a quandary, seek out experts in the fields you are curious about. If I have a question or concern about teaching, I often find myself calling up my mentor to ask her questions about teaching, or instead choose to read books by top researchers on topics that pique my interest.

4. Be willing to look foolish. Be willing to try, no matter what the outcome. Trying anything new can be intimidating partially because there is the fear that you may fail horribly. Well, of course this is a possibility! Think about a baby trying to walk for the first time. Many, many, many attempts are made immediately followed by tumbles to the floor before success occurs. But so long as you continue to try and fine tune what you learn from each experience, you will eventually build that muscle and find yourself standing without a hint of a wobble.

5. Keep a journal. Recording your thoughts in the present sometimes seems like a waste of time. However, just like a good bottle of red wine, well after you’ve tucked it away, the wisdom and truth begin to blossom. From my experience, it isn’t until a year has passed or more that I can look at the words I have written and see a pattern, or determine a passion, a curiosity or a purpose to my actions that may not have been visible initially in the moment. Give this amazing gift to yourself – keep a journal. You may be surprised by how much it could help guide you to where you are meant to go.

6. Don’t run from what you fear. Address it. Confront it. Ask why you are fearful. What are you fearful of – losing, feeling, discovering? After all, it is when we confront what we think we cannot that we gain confidence and strength rather than by doing what we already knew we could.

7. If traditional mores don’t suit your soul, try something else until you discover what it is about the tradition that makes you uncomfortable. Often it isn’t the entire event, but labels, preconceived notions and assumptions that go along with it. Dig deeper and understand what your instincts are trying to tell you. Then decide to create your own culture that suits your sensitivities, passions, values and curiosities.

8. Become comfortable with your own company. Embrace what you discover about yourself through all of life’s trials and adventures.

9. If you feel you aren’t being heard, attempt new and different ways of expressing how you’re feeling (write a blog, take photos, start painting, begin sculpting, try dancing, exercise your voice through your sartorial choices, etc). Most importantly, find a way to communicate with the world which is healthy, helpful and cathartic. By working through your thoughts and feelings, you are not suppressing yourself, thus allowing for the world to communicate with you based on how you interact with it. Often times, what it communicates is full of valuable suggestions on how to progress forward.

10. Don’t give up so quickly. Have patience. I would like to use my experience in blogging to explain why patience is something none of us should ever lose sight of. Nearly three years ago I began The Simply Luxurious Life (at that time it was only Simply Luxurious), and as I now meet fellow bloggers who are just getting started, I realize that they have just begun to realize the multitude of opportunities that await them so long as they continue with their craft even when there is no fanfare. Much like planting perennial bulbs in the fall, we won’t see or know their beauty until nearly six months later in the spring when we’ve forgotten about the time spent in the yard digging, spacing and kneeling to place them precisely where we want them to spring up. So continue to spread your wings, soak up all that life presents to you even if it doesn’t make sense at the time and trust that your continued efforts to live your best life on a daily basis are already paying off and will one day build to create an amazing legacy.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”  ~Henry David Thoreau

Thanks to the folks at Simply Luxurious for sharing their lovely ideas on living – be sure and stop by to visit them!

A love story in 100 words

There was something familiar about him, something about the apartment, the bed, the kitchen that made me feel comfortable.  He made me feel at home, and I was.  I’m not quite sure what I was expecting – after the last visit and my fluctuating emotions, I wasn’t sure that I would feel anything. But I did. I caught a glimpse of the man that I knew was there.  More attentive, relaxed, happy.  I felt his love for me, his desire that extended beyond sex.  Maybe a desire to be a part of my life….still not so sure.  But I caught a glimpse.

© Sandy Hibbard 2021

This bartender who mixed my French 75‘s flirted his way to my bed… and he stayed a while.

One Valentine’s Day we had cocktails and watched sports, then quietly he walked me home. I waved goodbye from my 3rd floor window as I watched him walk away singing… “Sandy you’re a fine girl what a good wife you would be…”

It’s much easier when you leave love out of it.

#lovein100words

© Sandy Hibbard

Strong build

Tall and lean

Hair barely tussled

But for a calligraphy of curl embracing his brow

Lips full and unafraid

Well spoken

A man that has not forgotten

Or wandered

From his hearts desire.

© Sandy Hibbard

   “Let’s not be concerned with whether but when. It’s a time for bold moves along this journey and I believe we will meet at our destiny.”

Another beautiful excerpt from Avastave’s continuing exploration of love. If you have ever truly been in love with someone where the connection was so strong, then you will understand this. It’s not about losing your life or yourself to someone else, but instead it is about a unique blending of two lives and hearts together. It is indeed a gift and you are lucky if you have ever experienced it. Sandy

There are so many words to describe how I felt the moment I saw you, and a multitude more on why I will never leave. In the end if I could summarize what I felt for him, it wasn’t love, at least not in its fleeting form. It was beyond love, it was as if I found the missing part of my soul, so in a sense you weren’t the love of my life, you are, my life. #Avastave#followthestory

Watch the video here: The Love Project

Starlight paints her eyes

Ribbons of gold in her hair

Love is everywhere

* * * * * 

Starlight paints your eyes

Lips like roses tastes like wine

Love is in the air

© Sandy Hibbard  – Featured Image taken in Paris

RaccOOn eYES

I don’t know whether to miss you or let you go

you can be so damn cold

words confess your love

its what our hearts seem to know

but time and distance creep in

and the doubt begins to grow

when we’re together it’s beautiful simplicity

but as soon as that door shuts

my heart sinks in complicity

feeling like a stranger

an outsider

the silence gets wider

with eyes near shut I put on blinders

wondering if there’s a place for me

loving you persistently

decidedly

like a loud noise

annoyingly

but will you hear it

this heart of mine has spirit

like sounding brass and tinkling cymbal

yet patience joy and love resembles

I’ll miss you now a little longer

That always makes my heart grow fonder

building muscle

getting stronger

will you benefit from my plight

and jump in with me in sheer delight

or with raccoon eyes

disappear into the night?

© Sandy Hibbard