Contained in the fall is exactly what we need to stand

We think hitting the ground is a mistake, but the ground we hit, the failure we experience is not a mistake. The world is endlessly mysterious, experience is profound… but it is never a mistake. To foster even a meager appreciation of that is to begin to practice. It is the decision to stop complaining and to start paying attention. Contained in the fall is exactly what we need to stand. ~ Bonnie Myotai Treace

Photo © Sandy Hibbard – Aristide Maillol, Air, 1932, Plomb at the Jardin des Tuileries

Sometimes things can just rub you the wrong way (duh). In this world of full exposure and narcissism, there still remains a code of fuckery and an avoidance of real honesty and vulnerability. Now that really annoys me. It can make even someone like me feel “invisible” or unseen. I woke up one day to the thought, “hey, I HAVE done a lot of things!” At my age, I have accumulated a lot of experiences; some only my closest loved ones will know about, and a few others they will NEVER know.  I understand life and get the score more than many of my peers – if not in actual experience, certainly by osmosis. Yet still, much of who I am and the experience that comes with me, goes unseen. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I am simply stating the way it is, and I am sure it is the same for you. To know I have someone’s understanding is very important to me. To go into a relationship – business or otherwise – and know that I am trusted, admired for, and appreciated for what I bring to the table – is paramount! I cannot negate the sum of my experience. These thoughts started running through my mind, and at first I thought it was funny – walking along the east river reciting into my voice memo all the things I have done just to remind me of all the awesome things I have done!  Ha! But afterwards, I found it was a true awakening for me. A private reminder of my awesomeness and most importantly, my strength.

So what I am saying here is almost cliché, but I feel it deeply! It’s this: “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I am dealing with or what I have gone through, so DON’T MESS WITH ME.”  Sound familiar?  Here’s a little something I wrote about just that…

Love or not, just please don’t …

I’ve been through hell and back

So don’t fuk with me

I lived in a glass house

Where I learned to be perfect

And I was pretty good at it

If I may say so – inside and out

Then the shit storm came…

And I lived through it

Secret violence

Deals of deception

A black hole with no direction

Lies behind closed doors

Private seduction

Escaping to my magic land

Holding on to Father’s hand

But I know things

And understand them now

Took a while for me to see

How deeply I will fall

And love you like a king

I’ll give you all my heart to keep

Vulnerable through and through

Or I simply will forget you

So don’t fuk with me.

I’ve had nothing and I’ve had plenty

I’ve known pain of loss

Lovers left, loving tossed

Away for the sake of pride

I lived through death with dignity

And walked back from the grave

I have nursed myself back from hell

I walked away from the charade

Don’t fuk with me.

I have wanted to lay down and die

I have put away the pills

Faced myself and the rejection

I was shamed for all my ills

But I pulled my head up high

Built my life back

Saved my pride

Learned to love, to give, to fly

So don’t fuk with me

You don’t know what I’ve been through

You don’t know what makes me cry

You don’t know the winds that blew

You dont’ know the reasons why

Love me, use me, be my friend

Come into my tribe

Let the bonds we share bring hope

And trust that never ends

But be it now or who knows when

If you become my enemy

I only ask this one damn thing

Just please don’t fuk with me.

© Sandy Hibbard 2019