Navigating the Loss of My Mother: Embracing Growth and Processing Memories
Dear Friends,
As many of you know, I recently lost my mother in June, and we laid her to rest on my birthday. It was an honor to share that day with her, but it was hard. I struggled to find solace in it. I finally worked out the understanding that saying “goodbye” to her on the day of my birth was and always will be a poignant reminder of the bond we shared. And I will need it, because getting through her loss will take a lifetime.
Losing a parent is a surreal experience that touches the deepest parts of our hearts. In our grief, it is as if we are compelled to do one of two things: either to sift through memories, or to move on as quickly as we can so not to give them another moment of our time! I chose the former, and as I peruse through the many memories of my mother, I am not only cherishing her legacy but also uncovering the layers of my own history. (Thank you mom for documenting so many moments of our life so unselfishly.)
Mourning our dear loved one is, to me at least, a therapeutic process. Revisiting moments from my past forces me to face my own narrative, my own story intertwined with hers. Each memory, whether it brings a smile or a tear, presents a chapter of my life that shapes who I am. Seeing that in my mind’s eye, in a way brings me comfort. It reassures me of the love I was given and the challenges I so bravely overcame. It reminds me too, of the pain and the struggles that my mom went through, and how high she set the bar for courage, strength, and love.
In these moments, I see clearly the significant role my mother played in molding me. I realize that now I have become the anchor in my own life. The absence of my mother brings a shift within me, an undeniable change that marks a new stage of adulthood. It’s a moment where I truly “grow up,” as the safety net I always had is no longer there. I find myself stepping into a new role, bearing the weight of my own existence and that of our family’s legacy.
No matter how good a daughter I was, there’s a lingering sense of regret. I feel that I didn’t appreciate her enough, didn’t spend enough time with her, and didn’t have the necessary conversations that could have bridged any gaps in our relationship. I wish I had known her better. Mother was so selfless, and always a giver and doing for others, if there was a selfish side I didn’t see it. I wish I had known more about her growing up, her feelings about being a preacher’s wife and living in a glass house. Her secret desires and wishes… It was only in the later years that I started asking her about more personal things. As long as she could, she would tell me a story. I wish I had made time for more of those conversations. These feelings of regret are natural, and it’s important to acknowledge them without letting them overshadow the love and connection we shared.
Putting all the pieces together after the death of my mom is a process that demands courage and openness. It takes time to sort through emotions and memories, and it’s essential to allow myself to feel everything that comes up. Right now, I feel like my anchor is gone and I am adrift and not sure which way to go or where I will end up. But by facing my feelings head-on, I honor her and myself, and will embrace the growth that I know will come from this profound loss.
In this journey, I strive to be kind to myself. I allow the memories to guide me through the grief, and I remember that in every reflection of my mother, I am also rediscovering parts of myself. This process, though painful, is a testament to the enduring love and influence of my mother’s legacy in my life.
Thank you for your support and understanding during this time. Your love and kindness mean more to me than words can express.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Sandy
